People Who Like The Crap I Write About

Saturday, November 20, 2010

What's Your Poo Telling You? - A Book Review

Holy shit (no pun intended), this is the book I have been waiting for my entire life! It was sent to me by a couple of friends (Emily and Derrick) from back home. They pretty much get shits and giggles (no pun intended again) out of giving me what the real world would consider 'weird' gifts. They're like the bestest friends anyone could ask for, right?!

On to the review! At first glance, you would think it's a book about buying toilets, but once you actually read the cover, you realize, 'Oh hey, it's a book about poop!' What's even better is, this book has a partner in crime; An activity book! I'm just finishing up a game of Poodoku right now and then I'll be on to coloring in some pictures of poo. I can't wait to pass the time on the train with this! Genius!

Hey, wait a minute, that dummy on the cover looks an awful lot like my friend Derrick! Coincidence? You decide:

Anyway, enough fooling around! Here are some Q's and A's to help you decide whether or not you'd like to read What's Your Poo Telling You? based on my review:

How is this book any different from other poop books on the market these days?

Although the competition is fierce, it has a lot of great poop illustrations and it was written by Anish Sheth, M.D., a gastroenterology assistant professor at Yale University School of Medicine! How cool is that?! It almost makes me want to go back to college!

Could this book be used as a stocking stuffer?

Definitely! And don't just wait until Christmas to give this book to someone, use every holiday as an excuse! It could even be used as a housewarming present, celebrating a new baby or just keep it for yourself and leave it on the coffee table. Think of all the wonderful conversations you could have with your guests!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how appropriate would it be to whip this book out at the dinner table? 10

What were your highlights of reading this book?

What really stood out for me was that it has synonyms for every poop type, such as: Chocolate Thunder, Butt Piss, Gravy Poo, Turd Tea and Poo of a Shame to name a few.

Are there cliff notes available for this book?

As far as I know there aren't. However, every time you do the deed, that should be enough cliff notes to hold you over until you have time to read the book.

What was your favorite poo featured in the book?

'The Honeymoon is Over Poo', AKA The "I Do" Doo. This is where you've lost all anxiety to poo in the presence of your significant other. I think this occurred within the first week of my relationship with Paul, however he still has issues with it.

Did you actually learn anything from reading this book, or was it just a big joke?

I most certainly did learn a thing or poo reading this book! Get it?! Get it?! For instance, did you know that Sweden has a town called Badfart? I can't wait to visit! Also, the longest documented human poo was 26 feet long?!? They must have had to finish reading 5 magazines to get that one out! Oh, and I also found out that rabbits do eat their own poo! I once had a rabbit named Peter that did that all of the time but I gave him away because I thought he had a chemical imbalance. (Miss you always Peter!)

All in all, go read this book! It should seriously be on the New York Best Sellers List or at least featured in Oprah's book club! It's basically Poo-tastic!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?

Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!


Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?
  • Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
  • I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
  • Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!

One Blog of an Inspiration!

Dear Loyal Readers,

I'm pleased to announce that I have been inspired to up the ante for my blog a bit and expand my fan base. That's right, I have fans! Not only that, I want to meet other crazies such as myself who enjoy blogging on blogs as well.

What's got me so pumped about this you ask??? Well, I just so happen to have a friend who has a food blog (that's where people pretend to cook food and blog about it, BORING!). She's getting more into it and some people advised her to network with Foodbuzz if she wants to meet more boring food people like herself.

So naturally, I start to wonder, 'Where and how do crazies network?!' I could try targeting insane asylums, however I'm not 100% positive they're allowed internet access. Or maybe I could advertise on Dr Phil's website forum? Any who, this is my new quest, so follow along because there's more to shite magic to come!


Crazy Girl With Internet Access