People Who Like The Crap I Write About

Friday, September 24, 2010

I Write With My Hand On The Left Side! - AKA Left Handed

This morning when my alarm went off, I asked my husband Paul, to hand me my phone since he was closer. At first, he didn't respond so I had to ask him again...a little louder. I hope that taught him not to sleep when I need things like my phone! He then proceeded to hand me the computer charger. I'm not sure how you can mistake this for a cellphone, but that's Paul in a sleepy stupor for you! He once woke up so fast but was still technically asleep, he grabbed the tag on the pillow like it was a $100 bill falling off a bridge! Man I'd pay to see that one more time so I could point and laugh at him all over again!

Anyway, on my walk to the train this morning, I 'accidentally' collided with a stranger's fart. It really upsets me that I have to blame myself in this situation, like I have to brush it off as an 'accident' when it really wasn't my fault in the first place. What a coward! To sum it up, it was not a good time. It really put meaning into being in the wrong place at the wrong time! After my confusion and disbelief dissipated yet the smell lingered, my nostrils became extremely irate and wished they could punch my brain for a few minutes. Seriously, it's bad enough that I have to endure Paul's smelly air accidents, so it pisses me off that I would have to put up with a stranger's as well. Somewhere, that guy who farted is probably laughing. He'll be laughing all day while I sit here and write about how angry he makes me. He won the battle, but he won't win the war. I'm going to try and be the better person here and file this one under 'Circumstances Beyond One's Control' because killing them with kindness really does work!

Today I let my mom read my blog. And my husband. My mom thinks I'm intelligent and witty. Paul still thinks I'm crazy. One day I'll prove him wrong. I'm a lefty so I'm taking their conclusions into consideration. They make some sort of sense to me. That reminds me! The fact that I write with my left hand, means that I will die before a right handed person would, statistically speaking of course. I'd personally like to see this in writing but I'm not sure who to request it from. Any ideas? The only sure thing I can tell you about left handed people (trust me, its coming from a reliable source) is that we don't need right handed people's pity. We also don't need you putting mittens on our left hands and telling us we're evil. To be honest all you right handers out there, we also don't need your statistics you created out of fear. Fear of something you don't understand. I've got news for you, the only thing you should fear, is fear itself. Also, what's the deal with left handed button holes? I really take this invention as an insult. A retarded seahorse could button a normal 'right handed' shirt. Don't even try to argue that seahorses don't have hands, I don't want to hear it! I found some:

Well, now seeing that you're in an argumentative mood, I know you're also going to point out that Hitler was left handed. So this makes us evil?!? What's your point? I've actually attempted Googling this and apparently this is what other people are wondering about Hitler:

In case you didn't know, Jew is short for Jewish. They're kind of the same thing. Also, if you see the last one there, that was from all the right handed people bumping this silly 'fact' up in the Google list...Typical...


  1. You really are witty though! And what about us ambidextrous folks? When will I die? What am I putting too much strain on my heart by using BOTH hands? I write with my paper sideways too. It's okay Amber. You aren't the only crazy freak. ;)

    Oh! Left handed buttonholes... That's the difference between men and women shirts. ;)

  2. Thanks Sarah, I give you eternal gratitude for your comment! As for ambidextrous folk, basically they were once left handers but succumbed to right handed people's silly antics to 'cure' left handers of their evil. They've basically evolved and adapted over time but have not left their roots completely. It's kind of like those people who are gay and they finally come out to their parents who just happen to be religious freaks so they send their kid to Bible Camp and pray all summer long he'll come back with a girlfriend, and they don't even care if he comes back with her pregnant because anything is better than having a gay devil satan child......Well lets just say Bible camp made him realize what pricks his parents were and they'll never accept him for who he is so he comes back bisexual, because at least half the time he can bring a girl home to meet the parents...Well that's kind of what being ambidextrous is like. Confused people.