People Who Like The Crap I Write About

Friday, January 28, 2011

Justin Bieber Has An Autobiography?!? WTF?!?

So I'm at the store shopping for a cool science wizard kit and some super absorbant tampons (duh what do you think Hermoine has to go through on a monthly basis???)

And what do I see?


As you can see on the cover, it's 100% official. I'm glad they cleared that up because I was just about to question its officialness.

First Step 2 Forever: My Story...WFT is this First Step 2 Forever shite and how on Earth does this 12 year old Canadian have any kind of story worth reading?!? (No offence to the Canadians who read my blog, I heart your bacon!)

God, I feel so out of touch with reality as it is, but it's times like these where I question everything!

Anyway, it got me curious, so I searched Justin on Youtube and I came across this horrific video. If you haven't seen it already, this is a video of a 3 year old girl crying over Justin Beiber. God this mother is a bitch! She's tormenting her daughter and recording the entire thing! Then they have the balls to put it on Youtube?!?

So then Justin Bieber sees this, or more like his manager sees it, and decides to have him make an appearance with the poor little girl as a publicity stunt. See, these kinds of things are in his contract...Including having a haircut that resembles a middle-class emo. Don't ask me what happened, I didn't even have the interest to see the outcome of this, you can Youtube it if you want.

One question remains: Why didn't the Department of Family Services visit this little girl instead?!?

I feel so incredibly sorry for her, more so for anyone who has wasted good money on this book and for anyone who likes this Justin Beiber kid in general!

Our society has gone mad!

On a side note, is it just me, or does Justin Bieber resemble a gerbil? Thought I'd point that out before I forgot.

So what do you guys think? Love him or hate him?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sudoku Pisses Me Off And Red Wine Makes It Worse

Have you ever attempted the game of sudoku? Basically it's a number puzzle game that really gets you thinking. And it also has the ability to turn you into a pathetic, Jeopardy reject, drunk!

Usually when you buy a book it's divided into 3 sections:

It's kind of like life, it makes sense, right?

Generally I stick to the 'Beginner' section because it makes me feel smart when I easily finish one of the puzzles in just a few minutes time. I feel great inside and it brings on a false surge of self confidence.

Naturally, I get a little bit of an ego and move on to the 'Intermediate' section. The puzzles are a bit harder, but I'm still capable of completing them, just not as quickly.

When I finally complete that section, I usually yell, "Ha! I am SO a fucking genius! Take that Alex Trebek!"

And then the last section after this is 'Advanced'. This is No Man's Land for me. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. Otherwise I end up ripping my hair out, swearing every 3 seconds, and I'd eventually end up lighting my car on fire and throwing the book into the flames like Crazy Harry from The Muppets!

Which instantly gives me back my dignity, but then makes me sad because I have no car to drive...

Well, this is NOT the case with the pocket sudoku book I got for Christmas.

This book has NO sections! It's ALL advanced! God forbid the creator of this particular book would give me a break and let me work my way into an angry fit rather than just throwing me into the pits of insanity right away!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet the creator of this sudoku book said "Oh fuck it, I'm just going to piss off all the fuck-tards that could never make it on Jeopardy!"

Know what makes it even worse? Drinking 2 bottles of red wine while trying to complete it!

Because it leads to this:

Which leads to this:

Which then leads to this:

Which eventually leads to this:

Ok, maybe I can live with that...

Fuck you advanced sudoku and Alex Trebek!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Are Narwhals Really Unicorns?

Definition of a Unicorn: Fabled horned horse with lots of magical powers. Adored by millions of crazy people who play Dungeons and Dragons for years on end, collect wizard figurines, wear healing crystals and love shirts with wolves howling at the moon (aka 'Wolf People').

Definition of a Narwhal: Horned whale that is real, alive and kicking (I mean swimming.) Hmmm interesting...

A little 'myth' about the two of them:

Some believe that a narwhal is actually a unicorn in disguise.
Basically, long, long ago, unicorns were hiding from their rival dragon and came to the sea with no where to hide. Thinking quickly, they used a little bit of their magic and turned themselves into horned whales and hid in the sea. Some unicorns have never changed themselves back into unicorns to this day. Hence, narwhals.

Hmmmm yeah, at first it sounded like a load of shit to me too.
But then it got me thinking...

First point:

If this isn't true, then WHY do narwhals have their own Magic card?!?!?!?!

Next point:

Famous Unicorn Sightings I stole from

Person Associated with the Sighting

Place of Sighting

Approximate Date

AdamGarden of EdenBeginning of time
Emperor Fu HsiChina5,000 years ago
Emperor Huang DiEmperor's garden in China2697 B.C
Emperor YaoChinaAbout 2,000 B.C
ConfuciusChina551-479 B.C
CtesiasIndia4th century B.C
Alexander the GreatAsia3rd century B.C.
Julius CaesarGermanyI st century B.C.
Prester JohnAsiaMid- I I 00s
Genghis KhanIndiaEarly 1200s

Gee, there's not a lot of unicorn sightings after the early 1200's, are there?

Perhaps this is because they all turned into narwhals!?!?

Now lets compare that to the sightings of narwhals:

And the list goes on!

Another point to be made:

Unicorns' known enemies are dragons and lions. Ok, well hey, did you know that narwhals just happen to share the sea with none other than sea lions and sea dragons?!?!? Coincidence? I'm beginning to think not!

Sea Dragon

Sea Lion

See?!? The similarities between unicorns and narwhals are uncanny!

I rest my case.


You be the one to decide...

While you're pondering, listen to the wonderful Narwhal Song!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Winned An Award! Yay!

First thing's first, I cannot believe I have over 100 followers now! WTF?!? Yeah, I'm still stunned! So I want to thank you all for following my blog and pretending to think it's funny and interesting! It really makes my day! Also, I'm sorry if I don't respond to all your comments, but please keep in mind, I DO read every single one of them that you leave and I most certainly laugh at all of them! As for your blogs, I always try to read as many of them as I can and I always leave a comment when I do!

Next order of business! An update on my revenge on Derrick! Yes, I know a lot of you were interested to see what I would do to get back at the poor guy. Although some of you gave some great ideas, like shitting on his chest or sending him gay porn, that would take more effort than I'm willing to give! So, with the help of a couple fellow bloggers, I think I've got him back! That's right Isaac, you said it looks like Derrick wins? I beg to differ! Muhahahahahahaha!

With the help of Sucio Sanchez, he took into careful consideration the fact that Derrick is indeed a Mormon AND from Utah. Double whammy! So after pondering for a split second, he performed a little magic and added him to his glorious Mormon Porn creations! I could not stop laughing when I saw this! Thanks Sucio, high virtual five bro!

Next we have NooG's spin on getting revenge on Derrick. After I personally requested him to showcase Derrick as a poop loving ninja, this is what I received! Hahaha holy hell, there's even a poop dragon behind him! How on earth did he come up with this? Fucking genius!

Check out both their blogs, they're awesome!

All in all, I won Derrick! Take that!

Now onto some other stuff that doesn't involve stupid Derrick!

Bruce from brucejohnson JADIP presented me with The LOL Award!

Holy wow, my first ever blogging award! Next is the Nobel Peace Prize I tell ya!

Thanks Bruce! The second I saw you had a ginger beard and the wit of a drunk monk (that's a good thing), I knew you were full of awesomeness! Check out his blog if you haven't already :D

And the rules of this award?
1.Link to the person who gave you this award. (In a post, or in your sidebar, wherever you have this) CHECK

2.Pass the award along to seven other people who post about at least slightly amusing things and tell them. Either by emailing them or commenting on a post, etc.

3.Say seven things about yourself that no one knows. (Or at least you think no one knows.)

4.Pass these rules on. (copy and paste this winners!)

Hmmmm 7 things about myself? Dammit!
  1. I used to dream of marrying all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a child, my wedding was completely planned out. Cake made out of pepperoni pizza and everything! That bitch April was NOT invited!
  2. I have a fear of drinking water that's been sitting out overnight. My husband Paul and I have regular debates about this as he can't understand why it's okay for the water to be a billion years old but I can't drink it if it's been in a cup overnight. Because there's dust particles, aka skin cells in it!!!
  3. I saw the movie Titanic 5 times when it first came out in the movie theater, cried the first 2 times when Jack died (sorry I ruined the ending, PS old lady Rose dies in the end!) and begged my mom for the Heart of the Ocean necklace that Christmas, and got it. Damn, was I cool!?!
  4. I'm a very cheap date, I love the dollar movies and 2 drinks gets me plastered! Literally!
  5. I lived in Utah my entire life and have never been skiing, what's wrong with me?!?
  6. I met my husband on MySpace of all places! Crazy huh?
  7. The first time I ate a beet, I was 8 years old and I thought it was a grape gummy bear. Boy was I wrong! I threw up my entire Thanksgiving dinner that day!
And now 7 people, in no particular order, who crack me up every time I read their blog and pass this award on to are:

Oilfield Trash - Always has some funny spin on life and the hand he's been dealt with!

Sucio Sanchez - Hilarious and gifted when it comes to GIMP!

NooG - Very creative and humorous blog, he's a Photoshop genius with a sense of humor!

A Beer For The Shower - His wit is out of this world and he looks great in a suit! Need I say more?

2 Hard - I don't know how he comes up with some of his stuff, but he never ceases to make me laugh!

Mister Sharaf - Want to not be bored anymore and laugh a lot? Check out his blog!

And last but not least, good old Brucey boy! Sorry, but I have to pass this one back to you as you do make me laugh hysterically with your comments and your posts!

Well that's all for now folks! Have a greaaaaaaaaat day!