2011 New Years Resolutions And Such

Wow, sorry about going AWOL on my blog the last couple weeks, it's just that the holidays really take the life out of me! Plus I got the flu and have been pretty close to death's fugly door this last week. No seriously, when I get sick, I retain a shit load of water, break out and makeup just seems to magnify my ugliness. This is what I see in the mirror when I get sick:

At least I still do my hair all cute, don't I? But hey, I'm almost all better now, so don't be turned off just yet!

Any who, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know, the more I think about it, 2010 was full of shit wasn't it? That's all right, I have a very good feeling 2011 will be an amazing year! Thank you Jesus, it's about time!

Here's my 2011 New Year's resolution list:

1. Not fart as much as I usually do, but switch to burping instead. It's far more socially accepted and easier to muffle in libraries.
2. Eat less Greek yogurt, it's going to be the death of me!
3. Watch more TV and read less. Do you know how many of my favorite shows I've missed trying to get smarter?!?
4. Play more video games and do less housework. More 'Me Time'!
5. Stop making fun of people behind their back, instead make fun of them to their face.
6. Lose all the weight I gained from overeating on Christmas eve, Christmas, the day after Christmas and all other 362 days this year.
7. Be wiser and offer annoying and unsolicited advice often.
8. Start drinking more. Particularly red wine instead of white and Guinness instead of Heineken. The more the better.
9. Be more daring. Think bright blue eye shadow daring.
10. Make more of a conversation with taxi drivers instead of letting Paul deal with it every time. What? How can you seriously talk about the weather every time you get into a taxi?!?

Think I can actually stick to them?

What are you guys setting as your resolutions?

Presents I Hope I Get For Christmas So I Can Re-Gift Them

Hey guys, Christmas is right around the corner, are you excited?!? I am!

So I've made a list of items I hope I get for Christmas this year, just so I can give them away because I'm cheap. I hope this list helps you just in case you get one of these as presents and want to re-gift them as well.

Great for couch potatoes, warlock wanna-bes and Anemics.

Calling all Dungeons & Dragons freaks! This would go perfect with their invisible cloak and dagger of knowledge.

Great re-gift for someone who is getting married. Or just play it safe and give it to a stripper.

Perfect re-gift for someone who thinks something like this is clever. Even though it's not. (At least we both know that.)

Is it just me or does she look like she's been drugged? Anywho, this is a great re-gift for a drugged model.

I'm actually going to keep this one for me. The poop stuffed 'animal' alone is worth it!

For anyone who has ever wanted to be cool. Period.

Great re-gift for someone with a drinking problem. They'll really appreciate your generosity and thoughtfulness when it comes to their 'problem'!

To that person that's extremely racist but doesn't realize it. Think they'd get the hint? Mmmm Nazi bling!

To the asshole who has everything. No way in hell would they already have an armadillo handbag. If they do, I'll re-gift them a punch in their face instead.

To someone who just happens to have time to put a puzzle together the second their alarm goes off...WTF?

To that person who just hasn't gotten laid yet (Derrick)...

Excellent for someone who loves gloves but refuses to wear underwear. Confused?

To that person who just never seems to have money to go out so you always have to end up footing the bill.

Google Adsense Made My Day!

Ok, first and foremost, to anyone out there actually reading my blog, you guys are awesome! You definitely know good material when you see it, so keep it up! Every time I see that one of you have enjoyed a post of mine, it's almost equivilant to the feeling I got the first time I watched Whats Eating Gilbert Grape? Heart warming....

Next, I'd like to share some of my success with you guys, (thanks to you guys). Last week I set up a Google Adsense account and put some ads on my blog, just to see what would happen. I surely wasn't expecting to receive a 6-figure pay check over night (even though that would be nice) but out of curiosity, I really wanted to see if Google actually pays decent. Here's my Adsense report, you decide:

As you can see, I have earned one penny in a whole week. Sorry to all you Negative Nancy's out there who think this is nothing, but I think this is amazing progress! My cup is half full! That's a penny more than I had last week! If I keep this up, I can afford to put my future children through college one day! It would be quite the conversation starter if I told people that Google got my kids an edumacation wouldn't it? Then I could join the PTA and scoff at all those parents who naively opened silly savings accounts that bled them dry....

Thanks Google Adsense, you made my day!

I'm going to make me a sandwich now.

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

#1

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

#2

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

#3

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

#4

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

#5

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

#6

Two words: Holy hilarious!

#7

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

#8

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

#9

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

Bloo Bloo Poo Poo??? WTF???

Ok, in case you didn't already know, my friend Derrick is a board certified arsehole. (Yes, the same Derrick that likes D&D and wears Burger King crown hats for fun) He's a follower on my blog, but doesn't read it and yet he has no life. How is this even possible? Yesterday I nicely asked him if he's been keeping up with it. He replied by asking me what the name of my blog was again because he relies on clicking a link on my Facebook fan page to get to it but he's on a 'Facebook ban'. First off: WTF? Second off: Go fuck yourself. Third off: He thought it was called 'Bloo Bloo Poo Poo'. Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a pretty darn good name for a blog and I'm very regretful I didn't think of it first, but for fuck sake, get with it Derrick! I don't think I'm going to talk to him for a while until he can remember the name of my blog....BLAH COO COO BLAH Derrick! Take notes! And get this! He then has the audacity to ask me if I want a naked picture of him to show my readers his 'Sexiness'! I did indeed happily oblige to him making a fool of himself on the internet, however I still have not received that picture he offered. If you're going to talk the talk Derrick, walk the walk!

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest, what's the story with my bread?

It ruined my whole breakfast. I was really craving two slices of toast but I couldn't even fit this Godzilla of a slice of bread in my toaster if I wanted to! I'd have to go out and buy a fancy shmancy bagel toaster for it and I don't even eat bagels so it kind of defeats the purpose! And that's when the paranoia set in...Did God put this monster of a slice in my bread bag to humor me? Perhaps to get back at me for writing about him hating my blog??? But why would he do such a thing? God isn't vengeful, Scar from The Lion King is vengeful! I need some guidance here! This is the letter I wrote to him:

Dear God,

I have a few things I need to clear up with you. I probably shouldn't have said that you hated my blog in that one post about no one liking my blog, that was extremely low and disrespectful of me. Since you are the creator of everything, you pretty much created my blog too....Which means you do like it.

Also, may I ask a quick favor of you? Can you please not humor me by putting abnormal sized slices of bread in my bread bag? It really annoys me and only hinders me from calculating the correct nutritional value of the slice of bread I intend on consuming, not to mention preventing me from putting it in my toaster, which then infuriates me and leads me to blog about it. Thanks for listening and I trust in you always!

Love,

Me

I'm still waiting for his reply....

Next, I'd like to take some time to share some pics my good friend Sarah sent me the other day. These are pictures of us when we were 11 and 12 years old:

Thanksgiving 1997

Holy shit was I fat!? (That's a rhetorical question so no need to answer.) As you can see in Exhibit A, that is me with my hand is in a box of Cheez-Its. I have quite the sneaky look on my face don't I? That is the look of a guilty fat kid on Thanksgiving. Also, you'll notice Sarah looks like she thinks she's the shit. She's not.

December 1997

This is at my aunt's house where Sarah and I first met. I don't remember what we were doing but it looks awkward. Oh and yes, that is a poster of a unicorn in the background. My aunt is obsessed with them, it must run in the family.

That reminds me! I learned something new today!

A winged horse is called a Pegasus, a horned horse is called a Unicorn, and a Pegacorn is a winged and horned horse! See? This is the kind of shit that should be on the Discovery Channel! Not shit about chopping down trees and fishing in Alaska!

Serious question: If all 3 were to mate, would they cancel each other out and just make a regular horse?

Saving Old People From The Cold Is One Of My Hobbies

Ok, so I ran out of salt last night, which then reminded me it was about time to get groceries again. (I probably shouldn't even really be consuming or even thinking about salt because it makes me really puffy and I look like I'm hiding a few bags of cotton candy in my clothes.) So anyway, every time we go shopping, I have to drag Paul to the store and 9 times out of 10 I get lectured by him about "Stuff that I don't need and that I'm never going to use again". Last time it was about a container of freeze dried strawberries. This fell into the category of 'Stuff that I don't need'. Now, as much as I know Paul is right, deep, deep down, I still have to prove him wrong and buy the useless item that is up for debate. Last time it went something like this:

Paul: What are you going to do with those?

Me: I can put it in my oatmeal and muffins! (Pick it up, put it in the cart)

Paul: Yeah but that's what the organic raisins were for.

Me: Pleeease!? It's healthy!

Paul: You don't need it... (Oh God, not that response again!)

Me: I'm getting it!

Paul: Fine, then you're not getting dessert or any new clothes for a month.

Me: Deal! (Shit!)

(I'm still trying to figure out what I should use the freeze dried strawberries in...)

However, last night was a little different. I think Paul is finally starting to warm up to me buying useless crap for the hell of it! Either that or he realizes that there's just no use arguing with me. How do I know you ask? Because he put up very little fight to prevent me from buying these:

All Paul could do was stand there looking speechless. Seriously, could you refuse them? I like how they say 'Innocent' on the label, it made me feel even better for buying them.

Reasons I had to have one:

• They were on sale, €1.50 to be exact (INCLUDING the hat)
• There's 2 servings of fruit in one little bottle!
  
• They made me laugh inside
• 25c of the purchase goes to Age Action Ireland - 'Helping keep old people warm this winter' (I'm all for keeping old people warm, especially in Winter.)
• And last but not least, the hat I chose reminded me of the homeless pigeon lady in the movie Home Alone 2. Even though she was a scary mute in the beginning, she was so nice to Macaulay Culkin at the end :)

I'm already making use of them. It's really cold outside so I thought they would be nice cozy hats for my eggs. Their names are Wally and Pigeon Lady.

They made excellent scrambled eggs this morning that would put Rachel Ray's to shame...That bitch! I think it's because of their new hats.

Any suggestions on what else I can use these for? I'm all for 'going green' and I'd hate for them to go to waste!

Orbitz Drinks...Where'd You Go?

Anyone remember what these little beauties in a bottle are? Go ahead, guess!

Cute little lava lamps only sold at Walmart?

--Close, but no cigar.

Bottles of a magical wizard potion?

--Negative.

Perhaps the elixir of youth?

--Nay!

How about round colorful balls floating in some sort of liquid catalyst for Type 2 Diabetes?

Yum! My favorite combo!

Ok, I'll tell ya! They're ADHD and obesity in a bottle Ortibz drinks!

Now do you remember them??? They began hitting American stores in 1997 and formed one of my fondest memories of being a fat kid with a couple bucks to spend in the grocery store on a hot summer's day. My favorite flavor was the Pineapple-Banana-Cherry-Coconut. Yes, all in one bottle! I know, it still wrecks my head!

So why on Earth did these joy-generating drinks get taken off the shelves you ask??? Lets speculate for the hell of it! Could it have been due to the mind-altering sugar content in one bottle alone? Maybe it causes seizures? By any chance, did the US government not know where to put it on the food pyramid so they banned it?

Hope they take my suggestion into consideration

and bring back Orbitz drinks asap:

(BTW, this food pyramid got me thinking: Should I also suggest a spot dedicated to Christmas foods and/or gravy??? Just a thought!)

Anyway, according to Wiki, there wasn't enough demand to meet supply (it sounded smart when I typed it)...Basically their sales sucked ass. Even so, I still search on Ebay for these 'collectables', so if anyone can come across one of them before I do and you wish to donate it to me, I'd gladly drink it just to see if my pancreas explodes!