Ok, in case you didn't already know, my friend Derrick is a board certified arsehole. (Yes, the same Derrick that likes D&D and wears Burger King crown hats for fun) He's a follower on my blog, but doesn't read it and yet he has no life. How is this even possible? Yesterday I nicely asked him if he's been keeping up with it. He replied by asking me what the name of my blog was again because he relies on clicking a link on my Facebook fan page to get to it but he's on a 'Facebook ban'. First off: WTF? Second off: Go fuck yourself. Third off: He thought it was called 'Bloo Bloo Poo Poo'. Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a pretty darn good name for a blog and I'm very regretful I didn't think of it first, but for fuck sake, get with it Derrick! I don't think I'm going to talk to him for a while until he can remember the name of my blog....BLAH COO COO BLAH Derrick! Take notes! And get this! He then has the audacity to ask me if I want a naked picture of him to show my readers his 'Sexiness'! I did indeed happily oblige to him making a fool of himself on the internet, however I still have not received that picture he offered. If you're going to talk the talk Derrick, walk the walk!
Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest, what's the story with my bread?
It ruined my whole breakfast. I was really craving two slices of toast but I couldn't even fit this Godzilla of a slice of bread in my toaster if I wanted to! I'd have to go out and buy a fancy shmancy bagel toaster for it and I don't even eat bagels so it kind of defeats the purpose! And that's when the paranoia set in...Did God put this monster of a slice in my bread bag to humor me? Perhaps to get back at me for writing about him hating my blog??? But why would he do such a thing? God isn't vengeful, Scar from The Lion King is vengeful! I need some guidance here! This is the letter I wrote to him:
I have a few things I need to clear up with you. I probably shouldn't have said that you hated my blog in that one post about no one liking my blog, that was extremely low and disrespectful of me. Since you are the creator of everything, you pretty much created my blog too....Which means you do like it.
Also, may I ask a quick favor of you? Can you please not humor me by putting abnormal sized slices of bread in my bread bag? It really annoys me and only hinders me from calculating the correct nutritional value of the slice of bread I intend on consuming, not to mention preventing me from putting it in my toaster, which then infuriates me and leads me to blog about it. Thanks for listening and I trust in you always!
I'm still waiting for his reply....
Next, I'd like to take some time to share some pics my good friend Sarah sent me the other day. These are pictures of us when we were 11 and 12 years old:
Holy shit was I fat!? (That's a rhetorical question so no need to answer.) As you can see in Exhibit A, that is me with my hand is in a box of Cheez-Its. I have quite the sneaky look on my face don't I? That is the look of a guilty fat kid on Thanksgiving. Also, you'll notice Sarah looks like she thinks she's the shit. She's not.
This is at my aunt's house where Sarah and I first met. I don't remember what we were doing but it looks awkward. Oh and yes, that is a poster of a unicorn in the background. My aunt is obsessed with them, it must run in the family.
That reminds me! I learned something new today!
A winged horse is called a Pegasus, a horned horse is called a Unicorn, and a Pegacorn is a winged and horned horse! See? This is the kind of shit that should be on the Discovery Channel! Not shit about chopping down trees and fishing in Alaska!
Serious question: If all 3 were to mate, would they cancel each other out and just make a regular horse?