People Who Like The Crap I Write About

Friday, February 25, 2011

Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?



Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!



Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!


No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:


And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!


Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???


Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!


Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,
Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Help Detroit Get Their Statue Of Robocop!



Ok, I'm all for good causes. However, if you ask me on the street to donate some money for a charity, I refuse to pay for first class flights of CEO's who run the charity, therefor, I'll tell you I can't speak English. If you're a gypsy begger on the street shoving a brand new paper coffee cup in my face with all your solid gold rings on saying "Please! Please! Please!", I will pretend I saw someone I know and wave 'them' down just to passively aggressively vacate myself from the shitty predicament you put me in. If you're going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro to help cancer research, I will laugh and say good luck to both, we all know they'll never find a cure to cancer! It makes the pharmaceutical companies billions every year!

But the reason for my post today is for a very good cause. A cause that something tangible will come from it! Detroit needs their Robocop, and this time, in a form of a statue! Please check this site out. The good people of Detroit are raising the money all on their own. They have already raised $50,000 which was their initial goal, but with 38 days to go, lets see how much more they can raise!


And even so, their mayor, Dave Bing, is being the evil nemesis saying it's not going to happen, "But thank you for your suggestion. " Perhaps this Dave guy has never seen Robocop? Perhaps he was a boy that only read books, pissed the bed and dreamed of being a politician one day. Wake up Dave! Wake the fuck up!

Who is going to serve the public? Who is going to protect the innocent? Uphold the law?

Detroit needs their Robocop!

The people of Detroit will not take 'No' for an answer, and that is admirable!

You guys know how much I love Robocop, especially if you read my last post about him. If that made you smile even the slightest, can you donate to this wonderful cause? Even if it's just the change you find in your couch. Perhaps you could donate your children's lunch money, anything will help! Most importantly, if it's just you taking the time to 'Like' the campaign on Facebook, it's free but shows your support!

I commend you good Samaritans who support Robocop!

Good luck people of Detroit! Make America proud!


God bless Robocop!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Last Minute Ideas For Mens Valentine's Gifts



Hey everyone!

Happy Valentine's Day!

You know what? Men have it so easy! Chocolates, flowers, perfume...It's so easy to shop for a girl!

So ladies, I decided to list some ideas on what to get your guy last minute:

Ball and Chain
Good old fashioned gift here. Isn't this how Valentine's Day was established?



Chocolate Boobs
He will not turn these away, in fact, he will look at you in a new light for being so thoughtful. Chocolate AND boobies?!? He'll love them!




A book about STD's for dumbos
Every dumbo couple needs one. Especially the ones that go on Jeremy Kyle and The Maury Show!



Pat the blow up doll
For all the times you're tired, bored or just not in the mood...




A T-Shirt that says "Play with me or this will be your eX-Box"
This is for all the guys who insist on playing video games all night, every night. Take notes.




Make him home made fetus cookies!
If that doesn't give him the hint, I don't know what will.



Biological Clock
Well ok, maybe this will. If not, ladies, forget baking anything in your oven...




Fake Pregnancy Test
But as revenge for making you childless, you could give him this just to piss him off and scare the living jiz out of him. No pun intended.





Beer Pong Kit
Why not end the night on an intoxicated note? He'll really appreciate the fact that he gets to drink beer, play ping pong and get laid all in one night!


Enjoy your evening ;)


Saturday, February 12, 2011

Traumatizing Children's Movies From The 80's


Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys! I missed ya!

Enough mushy mush!

Onto the post!

I came across two old bickering ladies on the bus who were saying a lot of movies geared towards kids are not that appropriate these days. Have they seen what we had to watch as children in the 80's???? Normally when you think back to old movies you saw as a child, the good memories come flooding back to you, right? Well quite the contrary for the following movies, they make me want to crap my pants when thinking about them!


The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

Have you seen this movie? To sum it up, it's God damn scary! It centers around a toaster (Toaste
r)
, radio (The Radio), lamp (Lampy), electric blanket (Blankie), and a vacuum (Kirby), who are all left behind at an old house when their owner moves away as a child. They then set off on an adventure to find him.

Here's a clip of the bi-polar air conditioner having a nervous breakdown before they set off:


*Speechless & traumatized after that disturbing scene for sure* After watching this, I avoided air conditioners until I was 11 years old!

This scene will stay with me until I die! Basically the little toaster has a dream where his owner is making toast as a child. Then out of no where, it turns into a nightmare where he starts smoking, burns the toast, the smoke turns into a big evil hand, carries his owner to...Hell perhaps? Oh it's not over yet! Then an evil psycho clown comes into the scene and out of nowhe
re,
Toaster is chased by giant forks,
running fo
r dea
r life
. WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now, yet again!

The Brave Little Toaster himself right before he commits suicide in order to save his Ginger owner's life. Look at his face, frightening!

Is there a moral to this movie? Hmmm I can't think of one off the top of my head. Other than appliances are fucking scary and if you try to leave them behind when you move, they WILLcome and find you!
WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now!


Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

A nice middle class family lets freaky ass Big Foot move into their house...

Look at him!!!!!
'Nuff said.



Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)


This dude gave me nightmares! Not to mention the scene where the innocent cartoon shoes get boiled to death!



Willow (1988)


Before I go on can I just point out how uncannily looking this guy on the DVD cover looks like Tony Blair?!!! This was probably how he first became famous!

Ok, so Willow the midget sets off to save the world by finding the prophesied baby Elora to help end the evil queen's rein. Along the way he bumps into a few freaky looking characters, oh and Val Kilmer.

Midget + prophesied baby + Val Kilmer + evil queen + magic = Recipe for creepiness!



The Never Ending Story (1984)


This was originally a book that was written by some German dude in 1979. It was later made into 3 movies, starring a young boy named Bastion. Ok, with a lead character by the name of 'Bastion', you know it's gonna be a crazy movie!

Basically, Bastion is a troubled kid who is bullied, so he hides in a bookstore, finds a book called 'The Neverending Story', he takes the book with him to school, cuts class and hides in the attic in his school and starts reading the book. He then ends up IN the story and into the world of Fantasia.

Great movie, can't argue that. However the eerie looking characters are what did it for me.

PS They're making a new one which comes out in 2012! Get ready to shit your pants all over again!



The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jim Henson, what the hell were you thinking? This is SO not Sesame Street!

It's a movie with a bunch of scary looking puppets and to sum it up, it's about crystals that are guarded on another planet by vultures called the Skesis. Look, it's too deep of a plot and I'm getting ADHD, so if you haven't seen it, you can read more about it here.

Labrinth (1986)

David Bowie + his bulging crotch + terrifying puppets = Traumatized child viewer



The Last Unicorn (1982)

This is the story of the last unicorn on Earth in an enchanted forest, who goes on a journey to find out what happened to the rest of her kind. On her way, she gets captured by a witch and is caged up in an evil carnival, she comes face to face with an angry red bull and the list goes on. Ok, this movie gets pretty complicated, but it's safe to say it's very strange and upsetting for a child!



The Goonies (1985)

Kids running from scary criminals who have guns, stumbling upon old pirate skeletons, meeting a huge, deformed freak in the basement...

Yeah...
Again, 'nuff said.



ET (1982)

This movie is a classic, however it traumatised me in the sense that ET at first scared the shit out of me. You know the scene when Elliott found him out back and he couldn't scream for help? I think I pissed my pants and stopped breathing for that entire scene! To this day, I'm pretty sure I have brain damage from lack of oxygen...It explains a lot. Oh well, it gives me character!

Anywho, once you got to know him, ET was such a cute little alien, freaky looking, but cute. When he got sick and almost died at the end, I was sooooo sad and worried the first time I saw this movie. I really thought he wouldn't make it!

This movie also makes me want Reese's Pieces every time I see it.

Yum!

That's all I can think of for now, can anyone add onto this?

Oh! And Peachy gave me the Super Blog Bowl MVP award! Yay thanks Peachy! You're awesome! Check her blog The Pits of Being Peachy out, you won't be disappointed :


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Wolf & Coyote Piss For Sale!

God, I feel awesome! Wanna know why?

I came across wolf urine while looking at stuff on Amazon!

What a find!

I'd
really like to get some of this stuff!

Yours for only 31.95!



Wolf Piss

I then came across coyote urine which Amazon also sells for only 29.95!


Coyote Piss


After laughing for a few minutes and patting myself on my back for discovering my glorious find, I was immediately confused as to why coyote urine is cheaper than wolf urine.

I mean really, who decides how much urine should cost in the first place?

So what do I do?

I eat a few yogurt rice cakes and a spoonful of peanut butter right out of the jar....Hmmm yeah more like half the jar....Then I get angry at myself for being a stupid gluttonous pig....Which makes me cry and yell at my reflection in the mirror...."Who eats half a jar of God damn peanut butter in one sitting?!? Certainly not Kate fucking Moss!" Then I realize I've gotta blog post to finish so I pull myself together....And I email the company directly....

So the other day, I emailed Deer Busters, and of course I was not expecting to get an email in return just like the last time I emailed the egg company about my double yolked eggs.

Anyway, here's my email to them:

Hi there,

I came across the wolf urine and coyote urine you have for sale on
your website and I noticed wolf urine was slightly more expensive than
coyote urine and this got the wheels in my head turning. Can you tell
me what exactly you base the price of them on?

I mean, is it harder to get urine from a wolf than it is from a
coyote? Perhaps wolf urine is worth more because they are also seen as
mystical and mysterious creatures? I'm sure you've seen those t-shirts
with wolves howling at the moon and there's usually a wizard somewhere
in the picture! Any who, I know that wolves are considered endangered
and threatened as a species, with that in mind, don't you think you
should up the price just a tad?

According to Wiki, wolves and coyotes do mate and their offspring is
known as a 'Coywolf'. God, I didn't see that coming! Think they could
have been a little more creative? I do! Perhaps you should sell
coywolf urine as well, just to make it easier for all the people who
can't decide which urine they should go with. When it comes to buying
urine, it shouldn't be only black or white, throw a little gray in
there and set yourself apart from all your competitors! Just a
thought!

Anyway, I know you get stupid emails like this all of the time, but
I'm just hoping you actually take me a teeny, tiny bit serious so I
can learn good and of course blog about it. I look forward to you
response!

Kind Regards

Amber

***THEY EMAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

Amber,

I only know we base the price on our costs. I have no idea how they collect it just that it comes in barrels from a licensed nuisance wildlife professional. I would recommend using the urine product where those predators are present in your area.

Thanks,

Martin Havrilla
Marketing Manager
martin@tridentcorp.com
Phone: 1-301-694-6072
Toll Free: 1-888-422-3337


www.mastergardening.com
www.deerbusters.com

Yeah, ok, not that long of a response, BUT IT'S SOMETHING!!!! Haha, I'm making progress, how do you like that? I'm like the Abraham Lincoln of writing stupid emails to get a reaction!

On a side note, I also came across this picture of a fat guy in a car and it made me feel not so bad for eating all that peanutbutter :)