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Monday, January 3, 2011

Sea Monkeys: A Review

I don't know why, but I've always wanted sea monkeys. Well to tell you the truth, I've always wanted a sea horse but I knew that was never going to happen. So the next best thing was sea monkeys. I remember seeing advertisements for them in the backs of magazines when I was a kid and wondered what the hell they were. So what are sea monkeys? Brine. Fucking. Shrimp. If I'd had known that as a kid, I would have went to The Great Salt Lake back home and got some for free! Now that I'm miles away from that as a possibility, I guess an overly-priced (€18.99) and overly-rated box of sea monkeys will have to do.

This is what was in my kit:

As you can see, my kit included a little tank with built in magnifying glasses and a ship, a submarine light to see them easier, an oxygenator that supplies their main source of oxygen (which sort of resembles a douche) , a mixing spoon and 3 sachets of sea monkey mix which :::cover your ears Mom::: looked very similar to packages of condoms. It pretty much came with everything but the water. I guess it's kinda worth the €19 now that I think about it. And I'm really excited that my sea monkeys are going to be pirates instead of doctors or astronauts, plus their ship glows in the dark!

(I actually questioned my sanity after seeing this on the box)

There's not much to making sea monkeys. First you put hot water in the tank and add sachet 1 to purify the water. Next, you put in sachet 2, the eggs. *Shudders thinking about it* For a moment I was a bit scared to put in sachet 2, because if you think about it, there's somehow 'live' eggs in there! I also felt like I was playing God. If you've been reading up on my blog, you would know that God and I have been having some issues lately and I didn't feel like pissing him off again so soon. Anyway, I tested my faith and did it. Last is sachet 3, their food. It smelled fresh, like green tea. I think I was expecting to smell something rancid like poop or vomit. I put a tiny bit in and from here on out, I only have to feed them once a week. Thank fuck for that!

So here they are! Can you see them? Yeah, neither can I. The first question that arose after it was all said and done was, "Now what?" As you can see, there's a bunch of particles floating around which kind of looks like someone dipped their dirty ass into it to spite me, swished it around, then left it for you and I to look at, saying "Hey, is that a sea monkey there? I think I see one! No wait, that's just an ass particle..." I wasn't expecting anything spectacular, but at least something I could see!

This is what a sea monkey looks like when it's full grown:

Here are some sea monkey accessories in case you're interested:

A sea monkey locket.......................OF DEATH! Seriously who would buy this for their kids?!? And what little kid would want to wear a necklace full of dead sea monkeys?!?

What the hell is this piece of work you ask? An 'In case you forgot what time it was because you were an asinine idiot and decided to wear a watch with live sea monkeys in it instead of one that actually tells the time' watch? It would be really funny to go up to someone wearing this and ask them what time it was so they could respond, "I don't know, Sea Monkey time?"

Lastly, a sea monkey keychain. WTF? Seriously, how are they supposed to breathe or eat? I actually had the choice to get this or the submarine light, obviously I chose the light. No way in hell would I be toting this around on my keychain! Mostly out of fear that I would accidentally smack it on the door when unlocking it and all the dead sea monkey carcasses would spill all over me!

Overall experience: Unimpressed.

For all those parents who regret having kids, or at least joke about it (even though we know you're serious) you really should have tried sea monkeys out first...It's not what it's cracked up to be! For those of you who will actually get some of these, beware, for something you can barely see, it's really annoying having to help them breathe every single day and feed them once a week.

However crappy this experience may have been, I'll keep you guys updated on them! This will be somewhat fun to see how big they get before I flush them down the toilet or eat them for lunch!


  1. Good post. I had never heard of sea monkeys before so I learned something new.

  2. I had always wanted them too! I finally got myself some in college. I was bummed when they all died :( It's crazy though - the idea of like growing a fish from a packet of dust!

  3. Where can I order one of those sea monkey keychains?

  4. But you cant pat them, or take them for a walk.
    Can you train them to do tricks or bring the morning paper in.
    I never had much luck with pets in water
    I'm thinking the love factor wont be there---hope they don't grow into killer whales

  5. Jeez. I never knew people actually bought these hahaha. Great blog! Following :)

  6. Dude you're never too old to get 'em. I got a set at 38. Very rewarding for 1 month 'til i spilt them.

  7. lol, weird. Great post though, never tried this before! Following and supporting :)

  8. lmao, yeah my parents never bought me these and i always wondered what in the hell they were. nice post.

  9. Part of me wants to laugh but the other part of me wants to cry from being reminded of the most crushing disappointment in my childhood... Great post! Looking forward to more

  10. *haha* i loved reading this post :)