People Who Like The Crap I Write About

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Are Narwhals Really Unicorns?

Definition of a Unicorn: Fabled horned horse with lots of magical powers. Adored by millions of crazy people who play Dungeons and Dragons for years on end, collect wizard figurines, wear healing crystals and love shirts with wolves howling at the moon (aka 'Wolf People').

Definition of a Narwhal: Horned whale that is real, alive and kicking (I mean swimming.) Hmmm interesting...

A little 'myth' about the two of them:

Some believe that a narwhal is actually a unicorn in disguise.
Basically, long, long ago, unicorns were hiding from their rival dragon and came to the sea with no where to hide. Thinking quickly, they used a little bit of their magic and turned themselves into horned whales and hid in the sea. Some unicorns have never changed themselves back into unicorns to this day. Hence, narwhals.

Hmmmm yeah, at first it sounded like a load of shit to me too.
But then it got me thinking...

First point:

If this isn't true, then WHY do narwhals have their own Magic card?!?!?!?!

Next point:

Famous Unicorn Sightings I stole from

Person Associated with the Sighting

Place of Sighting

Approximate Date

AdamGarden of EdenBeginning of time
Emperor Fu HsiChina5,000 years ago
Emperor Huang DiEmperor's garden in China2697 B.C
Emperor YaoChinaAbout 2,000 B.C
ConfuciusChina551-479 B.C
CtesiasIndia4th century B.C
Alexander the GreatAsia3rd century B.C.
Julius CaesarGermanyI st century B.C.
Prester JohnAsiaMid- I I 00s
Genghis KhanIndiaEarly 1200s

Gee, there's not a lot of unicorn sightings after the early 1200's, are there?

Perhaps this is because they all turned into narwhals!?!?

Now lets compare that to the sightings of narwhals:

And the list goes on!

Another point to be made:

Unicorns' known enemies are dragons and lions. Ok, well hey, did you know that narwhals just happen to share the sea with none other than sea lions and sea dragons?!?!? Coincidence? I'm beginning to think not!

Sea Dragon

Sea Lion

See?!? The similarities between unicorns and narwhals are uncanny!

I rest my case.


You be the one to decide...

While you're pondering, listen to the wonderful Narwhal Song!


  1. Your arguments are impeccable sir, narwhals are indeed unicorns.

  2. Great argument. You are better than Johnie Cochran was.

  3. @ Teutorix - Indeed, indeed they are :)

    @ Derrick - I love it too, it's my new workout song!

    @ Oilfield Trash - Hey, if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit! :D

  4. They are definitely not unicorns but they are fantastic creatures

  5. hellyeah narwhal song is awesome
    nice hypothesis you got there

  6. *haha* great! You made me happy with another unicorn post. But i am also confused now after reading THIS... Narwhals? NO!!! Or...? Ah, no.

  7. that Narwhal stuffed animal looks like a dangerously awesome child's toy.

  8. 1) they are not
    2) I saw that magic card and nostalgia'd. I use to play back in junior high.

  9. Dunno. When you think about it, if unicorns existed, they'd be pretty dangerous. I mean, come on, wild horses with huge pointy horns?!
    Shit would go down.

  10. Dem narwhals man, I should draw one, they're pretty cool

  11. I'm going to blame you all day when people ask me what I'm singing...

  12. Who would win in a fight between a Narwhal and a Liger? You're featured on my post today

  13. I love that venn diagram lol

  14. @ Smile - Fantastic creatures they are :)

    @ mrecan - I love it, thanks :D

    @ rohmy - Why thank you, I'm glad to see you're following along, you just made my day!

    @ Mranthrope - haha never thought of it that way! Wonder what kind of parent would buy this?!?

    @ watchman - but how do you know for sure?!? And I tried to get in on the Magic game but I just didn't understand it all! Kudos to you for knowing how to play it! :)

    @ my life in a sentence - I have to agree with you on this, the last creature I'd want to piss off besides Rosanne Barr, is a unicorn! :)

    @ BTN Hip Hop - that they are lol

    @ A Hermit - I'd LOVE to see you draw one, DO IT!

    @ Unmotivated and lazy - uh hello?!? How do you think I feel now that I heard this song?!?! lol

  15. @ Isaac - awww you're too kind, I sprinkle good karma on you :D I'm checking it out! Btw, god why didn't I think of a liger?!?!?

    @ StockGuy - THAT'S what they're called! I couldn't think of the damn name! haha thanks!

  16. @ Sucio Sanchez - Definitely does, this is something I'm going to ponder away at when I'm in Amsterdam :D

  17. I don't think I'd want to piss one off!


  18. hahahaha thats some thorough analysis


  19. Well now I know who to go to if I have a question about Horny whales.

  20. I cant help but agree with you that narwhals are most likely to be unicorns... also that song is awesome and anything that invented shishkebabs is my friend. >:3

  21. that is some great insight thanks for posting this, followed!

  22. lol wut i thought these were just funny animals found in comic books...also your captcha's are still on


    Yeah. Now it's stuck in my head. Thanks.

  24. Now I'm going to start debating between narwhals and unicorns in debate class lol

  25. lmao. 5 star post. hit me back

  26. I think its hard to deny the linkage

  27. They might be? We will never know :D

  28. We need this kind of information taught in our public schools.

  29. I never acknowledged the correlation between these two creatures... interesting perspective

  30. hey close enough. seacow thing with a horn vs land horse with a horn. To a drunken sailor its the same thing

  31. The Narwhals reminded me of Futurama movie #1 - Benders Big Score.

    Following :)

  32. Your logic is flawless good sir. I will never look at Narwhals the same now, lol.

  33. wait what? huh. the whale singing in the background may have put me to sleep.

    intersting post...
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  34. Your evidence is clearly irrefutable...we must confront the Narwhals and exploit them of their magical powers.

  35. I love the futurama movie with the narwal!

  36. Loved the post, and awesome blog! :) Following and supporting!

  37. sea dragons lmao. good post and funny video, followed.

  38. awesome.. :D
    followed! :D