Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?

Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!

Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!

No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:

And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!

Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???

Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!

Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,

Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland

Sudoku Pisses Me Off And Red Wine Makes It Worse

Have you ever attempted the game of sudoku? Basically it's a number puzzle game that really gets you thinking. And it also has the ability to turn you into a pathetic, Jeopardy reject, drunk!

Usually when you buy a book it's divided into 3 sections:

Beginner

Intermediate

Advanced

It's kind of like life, it makes sense, right?

Generally I stick to the 'Beginner' section because it makes me feel smart when I easily finish one of the puzzles in just a few minutes time. I feel great inside and it brings on a false surge of self confidence.

Naturally, I get a little bit of an ego and move on to the 'Intermediate' section. The puzzles are a bit harder, but I'm still capable of completing them, just not as quickly.

When I finally complete that section, I usually yell, "Ha! I am SO a fucking genius! Take that Alex Trebek!"

And then the last section after this is 'Advanced'. This is No Man's Land for me. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. Otherwise I end up ripping my hair out, swearing every 3 seconds, and I'd eventually end up lighting my car on fire and throwing the book into the flames like Crazy Harry from The Muppets!

Which instantly gives me back my dignity, but then makes me sad because I have no car to drive...

Well, this is NOT the case with the pocket sudoku book I got for Christmas.

This book has NO sections! It's ALL advanced! God forbid the creator of this particular book would give me a break and let me work my way into an angry fit rather than just throwing me into the pits of insanity right away!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet the creator of this sudoku book said "Oh fuck it, I'm just going to piss off all the fuck-tards that could never make it on Jeopardy!"

Know what makes it even worse? Drinking 2 bottles of red wine while trying to complete it!

Because it leads to this:

Which leads to this:

Which then leads to this:

Which eventually leads to this:

Ok, maybe I can live with that...

Fuck you advanced sudoku and Alex Trebek!

How Can I Get Revenge On Derrick?

That's my dude friend Derrick above (who I blog about a lot because he is naturally stupid and an excellent waste-of-blog-space material)

A little background first:

About 3 years ago or so, I made the mistake of getting drunk while letting him and my other dude friend Mark, stay over at our place before they flew back to Salt Lake from Dublin...What's so bad about that you ask? They recorded my entire drunken episode!

To this day, Derrick still has footage of me drunk off my ass, rambling on about the pink Power Ranger (my fave) and God knows what else! He uses it as ammo and blackmail often.

I know, it's funny right?!??!?

Not!

One thing I have learned, is to never, ever, EVER get drunk while someone has a camera rolling!

Anyway, a week or so ago, I posted this on Derrick's Facebook page because that stupid bird on the right reminded me of him:

Well he took a snapshot from the footage and posted this on my Facebook page with the message: 'Two can play this game':

Ok, now that we've all stopped laughing, I'm livid! What should I do to get revenge?!? I'm almost 5,000 miles away so it has to be legal, clever and plausible!

Thanks for your suggestions in advance!