Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?

Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!

Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!

No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:

And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!

Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???

Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!

Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,

Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland

Last Minute Ideas For Mens Valentine's Gifts

Hey everyone!

Happy Valentine's Day!

You know what? Men have it so easy! Chocolates, flowers, perfume...It's so easy to shop for a girl!

So ladies, I decided to list some ideas on what to get your guy last minute:

Ball and Chain

Good old fashioned gift here. Isn't this how Valentine's Day was established?

Chocolate Boobs

He will not turn these away, in fact, he will look at you in a new light for being so thoughtful. Chocolate AND boobies?!? He'll love them!

A book about STD's for dumbos

Every dumbo couple needs one. Especially the ones that go on Jeremy Kyle and The Maury Show!

Pat the blow up doll

For all the times you're tired, bored or just not in the mood...

A T-Shirt that says "Play with me or this will be your eX-Box"

This is for all the guys who insist on playing video games all night, every night. Take notes.

Make him home made fetus cookies!

If that doesn't give him the hint, I don't know what will.

Biological Clock

Well ok, maybe this will. If not, ladies, forget baking anything in your oven...

Fake Pregnancy Test

But as revenge for making you childless, you could give him this just to piss him off and scare the living jiz out of him. No pun intended.

Beer Pong Kit

Why not end the night on an intoxicated note? He'll really appreciate the fact that he gets to drink beer, play ping pong and get laid all in one night!

Enjoy your evening ;)

My Food Porn As A Child

Ok, I know the words 'Children' and 'Porn' should never go together in the same sentence, but hear me out! If you were a skinny child, you more than likely didn't silently count down to snack time in school, it was recess you evil skinny kids were looking forward to. I on the other hand was anticipating cookies and juice like a crack addict ready to score. What made it even worse was 'reading time'. Here are some books that seriously kept me a fatty:

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

This is a learning book where letters in the alphabet climb up a coconut tree until it collapses. Learning wasn't so important when my teacher read this book to us, coconut pie on the other hand, was.

Winnie The Pooh

I could always relate to Winnie The Pooh when I was a child because he and I had something in common: Gluttony and constant hunger. I seriously craved honey every time I read these books, no lie! I was always so sad for him when he couldn't just get his fucking honey! Just let him have his honey!

The Little Red Hen

The Little Red Hen is a book about a little red hen who finds a piece of grain and asks all her farm friends to help her plant it and grow it. However no one helps out so no one gets the bread once its made. The moral of the story: Contribute so you get a share, if not you get nothing. My take: Fuck morals! Butter tastes really good on freshly baked bread. Give me some. Now!

The Berenstain Bears And To Much Junk Food

God I loved The Berenstain Bears series! One that really stuck with me and always made me look forward to lunch was And Too Much Junk Food. Basically, the kids binge on junk food and end up getting cavities. Moral of the story: Don't eat junk food in excess. My take: Who cares about cavities when you have dentists to make them disappear? JUNK FOOD IS AWESOME!

The Giving Tree

A story about a little boy who befriends an apple tree and over time, keeps taking from the tree until it is no more. Moral of the story: Stop being a greedy, overly consuming, selfish human being. My take: Apple strudel never sounded so good. Even better, apple strudel with vanilla ice cream!

The Three Little Pigs

This is about three pigs who set out to each build their own house. However the first two pigs build theirs quickly with weak materials to save time and money. The third takes his time and builds his with bricks. The first two pigs get eaten by the wolf. Moral of the story: Don't be a lazy, cheap bastard! The wise man built his house upon rocks, the foolish man built his upon sand. My take: Mmmmm ham would go really good with potatoes right now! Lucky wolf!

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

A book about a little mouse who asks a boy for a cookie. Then some milk. Then a mirror. Then some more milk. And so on. Moral of the story: People are never content with what they have and all they do is take, take, take. My take: Why waste a cookie on a mouse when it could go in my stomach?

Pancakes For Breakfast

This is a book about a woman who wakes up craving pancakes one winter morning. She goes to great lengths to find all the necessary ingredients to make them. Obviously, all I wanted was pancakes. Look at the cover, the butter on them is making my mouth water even now!

James And The Giant Peach

A story about a young orphan boy with evil aunts as guardians. He falls asleep and wakes up inside of the peach that was growing outside his house. Inside, he befriends insects and they make their way to New York City. Great story, but all I could think while reading this was 'Peach cobbler please!'

Stone Soup

This book is about a travelling stranger who stumbles upon a village. Everyone in the village lock their doors and close their windows upon his arrival. One villager even says to the stranger to keep moving on, there's no food here. However he pulls out a stone and boils it in a cauldron full of water, offering 'stone soup' to everyone in the village. Then one by one, they contributes a bit of food they've hoarded to make the soup taste even better and everyone eats like kings. Moral of the story: Everyone should work together and help out their neighbor in need. My take: Stone soup sounds delectable! I've thought about making this many a'times!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Holy hell did this caterpillar piss me off. He just kept eating and eating and eating and eating. All while I had to sit there listening about it with an hour and a half til snack time and 3 more hours to go til lunch. Damn you hungry caterpillar! Damn you to hell!

Alice In Wonderland

Ok now, we've all read or watched this classic. Remember those 'Eat me' cakes and 'Drink me' vials? Yeah, those really induced hunger in me. Even if I wasn't hungry. To this day I want to go to Wonderland only for the cakes! Trippy experience is a bonus of course.

Green Eggs And Ham

Dr Suess, you rock my world. There isn't a book of his I haven't read! The first time around reading this book, it grossed me out but after having it read to me the second time, I was oddly intrigued by what green eggs and ham would taste like. This book is perfect for a low carb dieter or an obese child.

Goldie Locks And The Three Bears

This is a classic story about a dumb blonde who snoops around some bears' house while they're out, eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their bed. Ending? The bitch gets eaten. Moral of the story: If you're going to be a dumb bitch and snoop in other peoples' houses, don't fall asleep in their bed. Oh, and respect others' privacy. My take: Porridge = Yummmmmmm!

Charlotte's Web

Charlotte's Web is about a little pig by the name of Wilbur who fears ending up on his owners' dinner plate when he's juicy enough so Charlotte the spider devises a plan to make sure that never happens. All I could think of was, 'Bacon with maple syrup sounds fucking delicious! Don't be scared little Wilbur, don't be scared!'

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

If you haven't read Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, you're either illiterate or from a third world country. It's a book about a kid living in poverty who inherits Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I think it's fair to assume that this book even made skinny kids salivate!

Did I miss any???? Anyone feel the same growing up???

Orbitz Drinks...Where'd You Go?

Anyone remember what these little beauties in a bottle are? Go ahead, guess!

Cute little lava lamps only sold at Walmart?

--Close, but no cigar.

Bottles of a magical wizard potion?

--Negative.

Perhaps the elixir of youth?

--Nay!

How about round colorful balls floating in some sort of liquid catalyst for Type 2 Diabetes?

Yum! My favorite combo!

Ok, I'll tell ya! They're ADHD and obesity in a bottle Ortibz drinks!

Now do you remember them??? They began hitting American stores in 1997 and formed one of my fondest memories of being a fat kid with a couple bucks to spend in the grocery store on a hot summer's day. My favorite flavor was the Pineapple-Banana-Cherry-Coconut. Yes, all in one bottle! I know, it still wrecks my head!

So why on Earth did these joy-generating drinks get taken off the shelves you ask??? Lets speculate for the hell of it! Could it have been due to the mind-altering sugar content in one bottle alone? Maybe it causes seizures? By any chance, did the US government not know where to put it on the food pyramid so they banned it?

Hope they take my suggestion into consideration

and bring back Orbitz drinks asap:

(BTW, this food pyramid got me thinking: Should I also suggest a spot dedicated to Christmas foods and/or gravy??? Just a thought!)

Anyway, according to Wiki, there wasn't enough demand to meet supply (it sounded smart when I typed it)...Basically their sales sucked ass. Even so, I still search on Ebay for these 'collectables', so if anyone can come across one of them before I do and you wish to donate it to me, I'd gladly drink it just to see if my pancreas explodes!

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?



Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!

***Silence***

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?

• Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
• I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
• Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!

McShaker Salad...Where'd you go?

I'm craving a salad and remembered these little beauties. I used to eat them growing up, however McDonald's hasn't sold these in my home state for years and I definitely can't find them here in Ireland. By golly, beat me with a lazy stick, because I loved them! It's genius! You pop the top, pour the dressing on the salad, put the lid back on, and shake! Oh the effort! My favorite was the chef salad. I've even tried to replicate this at home but I ended up with a big salad mess on the floor because I realized having a lid was the most important part when Mc-shaking...

Damn you Ronald McDonald, bring 'em back!!!