Ok, I know the words 'Children' and 'Porn' should never go together in the same sentence, but hear me out! If you were a skinny child, you more than likely didn't silently count down to snack time in school, it was recess you evil skinny kids were looking forward to. I on the other hand was anticipating cookies and juice like a crack addict ready to score. What made it even worse was 'reading time'. Here are some books that seriously kept me a fatty:
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
This is a learning book where letters in the alphabet climb up a coconut tree until it collapses. Learning wasn't so important when my teacher read this book to us, coconut pie on the other hand, was.
Winnie The Pooh
I could always relate to Winnie The Pooh when I was a child because he and I had something in common: Gluttony and constant hunger. I seriously craved honey every time I read these books, no lie! I was always so sad for him when he couldn't just get his fucking honey! Just let him have his honey!
The Little Red Hen
The Little Red Hen is a book about a little red hen who finds a piece of grain and asks all her farm friends to help her plant it and grow it. However no one helps out so no one gets the bread once its made. The moral of the story: Contribute so you get a share, if not you get nothing. My take: Fuck morals! Butter tastes really good on freshly baked bread. Give me some. Now!
The Berenstain Bears And To Much Junk Food
God I loved The Berenstain Bears series! One that really stuck with me and always made me look forward to lunch was And Too Much Junk Food. Basically, the kids binge on junk food and end up getting cavities. Moral of the story: Don't eat junk food in excess. My take: Who cares about cavities when you have dentists to make them disappear? JUNK FOOD IS AWESOME!
The Giving Tree
A story about a little boy who befriends an apple tree and over time, keeps taking from the tree until it is no more. Moral of the story: Stop being a greedy, overly consuming, selfish human being. My take: Apple strudel never sounded so good. Even better, apple strudel with vanilla ice cream!
The Three Little Pigs
This is about three pigs who set out to each build their own house. However the first two pigs build theirs quickly with weak materials to save time and money. The third takes his time and builds his with bricks. The first two pigs get eaten by the wolf. Moral of the story: Don't be a lazy, cheap bastard! The wise man built his house upon rocks, the foolish man built his upon sand. My take: Mmmmm ham would go really good with potatoes right now! Lucky wolf!
If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
A book about a little mouse who asks a boy for a cookie. Then some milk. Then a mirror. Then some more milk. And so on. Moral of the story: People are never content with what they have and all they do is take, take, take. My take: Why waste a cookie on a mouse when it could go in my stomach?
Pancakes For Breakfast
This is a book about a woman who wakes up craving pancakes one winter morning. She goes to great lengths to find all the necessary ingredients to make them. Obviously, all I wanted was pancakes. Look at the cover, the butter on them is making my mouth water even now!
James And The Giant Peach
A story about a young orphan boy with evil aunts as guardians. He falls asleep and wakes up inside of the peach that was growing outside his house. Inside, he befriends insects and they make their way to New York City. Great story, but all I could think while reading this was 'Peach cobbler please!'
Stone Soup
This book is about a travelling stranger who stumbles upon a village. Everyone in the village lock their doors and close their windows upon his arrival. One villager even says to the stranger to keep moving on, there's no food here. However he pulls out a stone and boils it in a cauldron full of water, offering 'stone soup' to everyone in the village. Then one by one, they contributes a bit of food they've hoarded to make the soup taste even better and everyone eats like kings. Moral of the story: Everyone should work together and help out their neighbor in need. My take: Stone soup sounds delectable! I've thought about making this many a'times!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Holy hell did this caterpillar piss me off. He just kept eating and eating and eating and eating. All while I had to sit there listening about it with an hour and a half til snack time and 3 more hours to go til lunch. Damn you hungry caterpillar! Damn you to hell!
Alice In Wonderland
Ok now, we've all read or watched this classic. Remember those 'Eat me' cakes and 'Drink me' vials? Yeah, those really induced hunger in me. Even if I wasn't hungry. To this day I want to go to Wonderland only for the cakes! Trippy experience is a bonus of course.
Green Eggs And Ham
Dr Suess, you rock my world. There isn't a book of his I haven't read! The first time around reading this book, it grossed me out but after having it read to me the second time, I was oddly intrigued by what green eggs and ham would taste like. This book is perfect for a low carb dieter or an obese child.
Goldie Locks And The Three Bears
This is a classic story about a dumb blonde who snoops around some bears' house while they're out, eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their bed. Ending? The bitch gets eaten. Moral of the story: If you're going to be a dumb bitch and snoop in other peoples' houses, don't fall asleep in their bed. Oh, and respect others' privacy. My take: Porridge = Yummmmmmm!
Charlotte's Web
Charlotte's Web is about a little pig by the name of Wilbur who fears ending up on his owners' dinner plate when he's juicy enough so Charlotte the spider devises a plan to make sure that never happens. All I could think of was, 'Bacon with maple syrup sounds fucking delicious! Don't be scared little Wilbur, don't be scared!'
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
If you haven't read Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, you're either illiterate or from a third world country. It's a book about a kid living in poverty who inherits Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I think it's fair to assume that this book even made skinny kids salivate!
Did I miss any???? Anyone feel the same growing up???
