Rihanna Punched My Eyeballs Today!

I love Rihanna, RiRi or even Ms Barbados, whatever you want to call her, she is awesome! Even though she steals her fashion from London and takes it back to the states, I forgive her, because, well, she's fun to work out to! However, I cannot and will not forgive her for playing tricks on my eyeballs today!

A while ago, I 'Liked' Rihanna on Facebook, who hasn't? If you haven't, you're dumb! Anyway, I 'Liked' her, along with 'Cheap Asian Crap', 'Frosties', 'Sleeping naked' and 'Telling Dick Chaney to shut the fuck up' amongst many other 'Likes'. Anyway, today she posted pictures of her at Loud Summer Tour 2011 where she was taking pictures with her fans and this one stuck out like a sore thumb and punched me in the eyes!

As you can see, she looks amazing, don't get me wrong! But God damn, she needs to put down the bottle of bright red hair dye and curling iron and step away! Even the fan next to her is squinting her eyes from blindness! AKA 'Ginger-eye-tis'. I'm sorry, but she looks like a cross between Ronald Mcdonald and Raggedy Ann, or is it just me?!? Here's a pic in case you've never seen Raggedy Ann before. I just found out that my husband has no clue who she is. I now pity him with every ounce of pity I had left in my bones. If only Ireland had've known this little Ginger of a character and her boyfriend Andy, there might not have been a famine! And don't even ask me for a picture of Ronald McDonald! If you have no idea who he is, you're probably from a third world country or just skinny! Anyway, here she is:

Yay? Nay?

So, this got me thinking about look-a-likes. Is it just me, or does Walt Disney resemble Hitler?!? I knew it couldn't just be me so I Googled it. Here's what I found:

Yup, there's definitely a resemblance and other weird people like me with too much time on their hands think it too!

Well now, this got my wheels really turning! If Walt Disney could look like Hitler, and Rihanna could look like Raggedy Ann, there must be even more look a likes out there for sure! Just to confirm this spontaneous theory, I went to the address on the picture, totallylookslike.com and found this fluffy mess:

This picture made me laugh very much. Anyone know who this Wilford Brimley character is? I'm too lazy to Google him. I'm all Googled out for the day! All I can say is, how on earth could Noah forget all the unicorns and dinosaurs, yet he remembered to bring these two crazy animals!?!

By the way I'm laughing even more as I write this because I just left a Hiroshima of a stink bomb in the bathroom and Paul is freaking out because his nostrils hate his brain very much right now. That'll show him for not knowing who Raggedy Ann is...

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?



Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!

***Silence***

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?

• Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
• I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
• Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!