Are Narwhals Really Unicorns?

Definition of a Unicorn: Fabled horned horse with lots of magical powers. Adored by millions of crazy people who play Dungeons and Dragons for years on end, collect wizard figurines, wear healing crystals and love shirts with wolves howling at the moon (aka 'Wolf People').

Definition of a Narwhal: Horned whale that is real, alive and kicking (I mean swimming.) Hmmm interesting...

A little 'myth' about the two of them:

Some believe that a narwhal is actually a unicorn in disguise.

Basically, long, long ago, unicorns were hiding from their rival dragon and came to the sea with no where to hide. Thinking quickly, they used a little bit of their magic and turned themselves into horned whales and hid in the sea. Some unicorns have never changed themselves back into unicorns to this day. Hence, narwhals.

Hmmmm yeah, at first it sounded like a load of shit to me too.

But then it got me thinking...

First point:

If this isn't true, then WHY do narwhals have their own Magic card?!?!?!?!

Next point:

Famous Unicorn Sightings I stole from www.unicorncollector.com

Person Associated with the Sighting	Place of Sighting	Approximate Date
Adam	Garden of Eden	Beginning of time
Emperor Fu Hsi	China	5,000 years ago
Emperor Huang Di	Emperor's garden in China	2697 B.C
Emperor Yao	China	About 2,000 B.C
Confucius	China	551-479 B.C
Ctesias	India	4th century B.C
Alexander the Great	Asia	3rd century B.C.
Julius Caesar	Germany	I st century B.C.
Prester John	Asia	Mid- I I 00s
Genghis Khan	India	Early 1200s

Gee, there's not a lot of unicorn sightings after the early 1200's, are there?

Perhaps this is because they all turned into narwhals!?!?

Now lets compare that to the sightings of narwhals:

And the list goes on!

Another point to be made:

Unicorns' known enemies are dragons and lions. Ok, well hey, did you know that narwhals just happen to share the sea with none other than sea lions and sea dragons?!?!? Coincidence? I'm beginning to think not!

Sea Dragon

Sea Lion

See?!? The similarities between unicorns and narwhals are uncanny!

I rest my case.

However!

You be the one to decide...

While you're pondering, listen to the wonderful Narwhal Song!

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

#1

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

#2

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

#3

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

#4

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

#5

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

#6

Two words: Holy hilarious!

#7

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

#8

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

#9

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

Bloo Bloo Poo Poo??? WTF???

Ok, in case you didn't already know, my friend Derrick is a board certified arsehole. (Yes, the same Derrick that likes D&D and wears Burger King crown hats for fun) He's a follower on my blog, but doesn't read it and yet he has no life. How is this even possible? Yesterday I nicely asked him if he's been keeping up with it. He replied by asking me what the name of my blog was again because he relies on clicking a link on my Facebook fan page to get to it but he's on a 'Facebook ban'. First off: WTF? Second off: Go fuck yourself. Third off: He thought it was called 'Bloo Bloo Poo Poo'. Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a pretty darn good name for a blog and I'm very regretful I didn't think of it first, but for fuck sake, get with it Derrick! I don't think I'm going to talk to him for a while until he can remember the name of my blog....BLAH COO COO BLAH Derrick! Take notes! And get this! He then has the audacity to ask me if I want a naked picture of him to show my readers his 'Sexiness'! I did indeed happily oblige to him making a fool of himself on the internet, however I still have not received that picture he offered. If you're going to talk the talk Derrick, walk the walk!

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest, what's the story with my bread?

It ruined my whole breakfast. I was really craving two slices of toast but I couldn't even fit this Godzilla of a slice of bread in my toaster if I wanted to! I'd have to go out and buy a fancy shmancy bagel toaster for it and I don't even eat bagels so it kind of defeats the purpose! And that's when the paranoia set in...Did God put this monster of a slice in my bread bag to humor me? Perhaps to get back at me for writing about him hating my blog??? But why would he do such a thing? God isn't vengeful, Scar from The Lion King is vengeful! I need some guidance here! This is the letter I wrote to him:

Dear God,

I have a few things I need to clear up with you. I probably shouldn't have said that you hated my blog in that one post about no one liking my blog, that was extremely low and disrespectful of me. Since you are the creator of everything, you pretty much created my blog too....Which means you do like it.

Also, may I ask a quick favor of you? Can you please not humor me by putting abnormal sized slices of bread in my bread bag? It really annoys me and only hinders me from calculating the correct nutritional value of the slice of bread I intend on consuming, not to mention preventing me from putting it in my toaster, which then infuriates me and leads me to blog about it. Thanks for listening and I trust in you always!

Love,

Me

I'm still waiting for his reply....

Next, I'd like to take some time to share some pics my good friend Sarah sent me the other day. These are pictures of us when we were 11 and 12 years old:

Thanksgiving 1997

Holy shit was I fat!? (That's a rhetorical question so no need to answer.) As you can see in Exhibit A, that is me with my hand is in a box of Cheez-Its. I have quite the sneaky look on my face don't I? That is the look of a guilty fat kid on Thanksgiving. Also, you'll notice Sarah looks like she thinks she's the shit. She's not.

December 1997

This is at my aunt's house where Sarah and I first met. I don't remember what we were doing but it looks awkward. Oh and yes, that is a poster of a unicorn in the background. My aunt is obsessed with them, it must run in the family.

That reminds me! I learned something new today!

A winged horse is called a Pegasus, a horned horse is called a Unicorn, and a Pegacorn is a winged and horned horse! See? This is the kind of shit that should be on the Discovery Channel! Not shit about chopping down trees and fishing in Alaska!

Serious question: If all 3 were to mate, would they cancel each other out and just make a regular horse?

The Tinterweb Inspired Me Today!

My friend Derrick who is a wizard nerd captured this for me today:

Thanks Derrick! As if I didn't already know I liked these! But it's true, I 'like' them on Facebook. I wish I could also 'like' the fact that they are right next to each other in an orderly fashion too. They look so perfect next to each other!

Anyway, his creativity cracked me up. But after realizing I accidentally pissed myself, I gradually became aware of my surroundings. Nothing is worse than being labelled a 'Pee Body'. Close to the point of developing diaper rash, I instantly snapped out of the laughing spell he cast on me with a wand I'm almost too positive he magically disguises as a pencil...I became super suspicious of how he cropped my Facebook likes so seamlessly...almost magically! This got me wondering 'Could Derrick be a wizard?!?' After questioning him, he then informed me that wizards don't use computers. Hmmm good point.

This conversation then inspired him to make this pic:

That's a pic with my head cut out and pasted on top of Hermoine's head. Don't be fooled by the hair, it's not mine, it's Hermoine's. I'm not a Ginger. We all know Ginger's don't have souls. I know you're probably thinking, 'Hermoine isn't a Ginger, Ron is!' Well here's the deal, Ron is a true Ginger, more of a Minger (ugly ginger)...But look, that's a whole different discussion! Anyway, you must have been living under a rock if you don't know who that bloke is in the pic with 'me'. I'm not even going to humor you and say his name because if you've been living under a rock, you shouldn't be reading my blog. We all know rock houses don't have computers!

Enough about Derrick! Here's a funny pic I stumbled across today. Its cuteness made me melt inside and laugh out loud.

I sure hope this kitten gets to college one day. I'm sure there's grants and financial aid he can apply for. If there's one thing I've learned, education is the most important thing one can have these days. If we don't get an education, we become stupid. If we become stupid, we lose our rights. Before you know it, the only rights we'll have left is the meat on our bones. God that reminds me of someone who once rambled on about something like that!

Who knew a matching diamond bracelet and choker would go so well with a dress made of beef jerky?