Rihanna Punched My Eyeballs Today!

I love Rihanna, RiRi or even Ms Barbados, whatever you want to call her, she is awesome! Even though she steals her fashion from London and takes it back to the states, I forgive her, because, well, she's fun to work out to! However, I cannot and will not forgive her for playing tricks on my eyeballs today!

A while ago, I 'Liked' Rihanna on Facebook, who hasn't? If you haven't, you're dumb! Anyway, I 'Liked' her, along with 'Cheap Asian Crap', 'Frosties', 'Sleeping naked' and 'Telling Dick Chaney to shut the fuck up' amongst many other 'Likes'. Anyway, today she posted pictures of her at Loud Summer Tour 2011 where she was taking pictures with her fans and this one stuck out like a sore thumb and punched me in the eyes!

As you can see, she looks amazing, don't get me wrong! But God damn, she needs to put down the bottle of bright red hair dye and curling iron and step away! Even the fan next to her is squinting her eyes from blindness! AKA 'Ginger-eye-tis'. I'm sorry, but she looks like a cross between Ronald Mcdonald and Raggedy Ann, or is it just me?!? Here's a pic in case you've never seen Raggedy Ann before. I just found out that my husband has no clue who she is. I now pity him with every ounce of pity I had left in my bones. If only Ireland had've known this little Ginger of a character and her boyfriend Andy, there might not have been a famine! And don't even ask me for a picture of Ronald McDonald! If you have no idea who he is, you're probably from a third world country or just skinny! Anyway, here she is:

Yay? Nay?

So, this got me thinking about look-a-likes. Is it just me, or does Walt Disney resemble Hitler?!? I knew it couldn't just be me so I Googled it. Here's what I found:

Yup, there's definitely a resemblance and other weird people like me with too much time on their hands think it too!

Well now, this got my wheels really turning! If Walt Disney could look like Hitler, and Rihanna could look like Raggedy Ann, there must be even more look a likes out there for sure! Just to confirm this spontaneous theory, I went to the address on the picture, totallylookslike.com and found this fluffy mess:

This picture made me laugh very much. Anyone know who this Wilford Brimley character is? I'm too lazy to Google him. I'm all Googled out for the day! All I can say is, how on earth could Noah forget all the unicorns and dinosaurs, yet he remembered to bring these two crazy animals!?!

By the way I'm laughing even more as I write this because I just left a Hiroshima of a stink bomb in the bathroom and Paul is freaking out because his nostrils hate his brain very much right now. That'll show him for not knowing who Raggedy Ann is...

Double Yolk Eggs Are Cool

I decided to post about our recent egg experience because it was so amazing, I couldn't not share! Basically we found that 2 of our eggs had TWO yolks each:

My husband, Paul said he didn't want egg and toast sandwiches for breakfast, but I defied him and made him two anyway. This is what came of it:

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Wait for it!!!

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I thought the yolk explosion was pretty funny. For some reason, Paul didn't see the humor in it.

I went and did some research. Apparently this is when a hen ovulates too rapidly, which is caused by 1 of 3 things:

Heredity - What we blame all of our flaws on.
Hybrid hens - The main source of the eggs and meat you buy in supermarkets.
"Unsynchornized production cycles" - Huh?

(Thanks yet again Wiki, you never let me down!)

Not content with this and just to take the piss, I emailed the egg company to see what they'd have to say about our recent experience. Here's the email:

No response.

Which was fine.

But the next morning, THIS:

I seriously felt like I had won the egg lottery! Was this really happening to me???

So yet again I emailed the company to tell them the news. Who cares if I'm immature and I was wasting their time? This was freaking unheard of in my neck of the woods! Plus I was bored and wanted a good laugh.

Still no response.

Either the customer service really sucks in this country, or they're scared I'm going to sue them for more mutant eggs.

I'm really contemplating sending in the Chicken Police:

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?



Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!

***Silence***

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?

• Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
• I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
• Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!

I Write With My Hand On The Left Side! - AKA Left Handed

This morning when my alarm went off, I asked my husband Paul, to hand me my phone since he was closer. At first, he didn't respond so I had to ask him again...a little louder. I hope that taught him not to sleep when I need things like my phone! He then proceeded to hand me the computer charger. I'm not sure how you can mistake this for a cellphone, but that's Paul in a sleepy stupor for you! He once woke up so fast but was still technically asleep, he grabbed the tag on the pillow like it was a $100 bill falling off a bridge! Man I'd pay to see that one more time so I could point and laugh at him all over again!

Anyway, on my walk to the train this morning, I 'accidentally' collided with a stranger's fart. It really upsets me that I have to blame myself in this situation, like I have to brush it off as an 'accident' when it really wasn't my fault in the first place. What a coward! To sum it up, it was not a good time. It really put meaning into being in the wrong place at the wrong time! After my confusion and disbelief dissipated yet the smell lingered, my nostrils became extremely irate and wished they could punch my brain for a few minutes. Seriously, it's bad enough that I have to endure Paul's smelly air accidents, so it pisses me off that I would have to put up with a stranger's as well. Somewhere, that guy who farted is probably laughing. He'll be laughing all day while I sit here and write about how angry he makes me. He won the battle, but he won't win the war. I'm going to try and be the better person here and file this one under 'Circumstances Beyond One's Control' because killing them with kindness really does work!

Today I let my mom read my blog. And my husband. My mom thinks I'm intelligent and witty. Paul still thinks I'm crazy. One day I'll prove him wrong. I'm a lefty so I'm taking their conclusions into consideration. They make some sort of sense to me. That reminds me! The fact that I write with my left hand, means that I will die before a right handed person would, statistically speaking of course. I'd personally like to see this in writing but I'm not sure who to request it from. Any ideas? The only sure thing I can tell you about left handed people (trust me, its coming from a reliable source) is that we don't need right handed people's pity. We also don't need you putting mittens on our left hands and telling us we're evil. To be honest all you right handers out there, we also don't need your statistics you created out of fear. Fear of something you don't understand. I've got news for you, the only thing you should fear, is fear itself. Also, what's the deal with left handed button holes? I really take this invention as an insult. A retarded seahorse could button a normal 'right handed' shirt. Don't even try to argue that seahorses don't have hands, I don't want to hear it! I found some:



Well, now seeing that you're in an argumentative mood, I know you're also going to point out that Hitler was left handed. So this makes us evil?!? What's your point? I've actually attempted Googling this and apparently this is what other people are wondering about Hitler:


In case you didn't know, Jew is short for Jewish. They're kind of the same thing. Also, if you see the last one there, that was from all the right handed people bumping this silly 'fact' up in the Google list...Typical...

The Tinterweb Inspired Me Today!

My friend Derrick who is a wizard nerd captured this for me today:

Thanks Derrick! As if I didn't already know I liked these! But it's true, I 'like' them on Facebook. I wish I could also 'like' the fact that they are right next to each other in an orderly fashion too. They look so perfect next to each other!

Anyway, his creativity cracked me up. But after realizing I accidentally pissed myself, I gradually became aware of my surroundings. Nothing is worse than being labelled a 'Pee Body'. Close to the point of developing diaper rash, I instantly snapped out of the laughing spell he cast on me with a wand I'm almost too positive he magically disguises as a pencil...I became super suspicious of how he cropped my Facebook likes so seamlessly...almost magically! This got me wondering 'Could Derrick be a wizard?!?' After questioning him, he then informed me that wizards don't use computers. Hmmm good point.

This conversation then inspired him to make this pic:

That's a pic with my head cut out and pasted on top of Hermoine's head. Don't be fooled by the hair, it's not mine, it's Hermoine's. I'm not a Ginger. We all know Ginger's don't have souls. I know you're probably thinking, 'Hermoine isn't a Ginger, Ron is!' Well here's the deal, Ron is a true Ginger, more of a Minger (ugly ginger)...But look, that's a whole different discussion! Anyway, you must have been living under a rock if you don't know who that bloke is in the pic with 'me'. I'm not even going to humor you and say his name because if you've been living under a rock, you shouldn't be reading my blog. We all know rock houses don't have computers!

Enough about Derrick! Here's a funny pic I stumbled across today. Its cuteness made me melt inside and laugh out loud.

I sure hope this kitten gets to college one day. I'm sure there's grants and financial aid he can apply for. If there's one thing I've learned, education is the most important thing one can have these days. If we don't get an education, we become stupid. If we become stupid, we lose our rights. Before you know it, the only rights we'll have left is the meat on our bones. God that reminds me of someone who once rambled on about something like that!

Who knew a matching diamond bracelet and choker would go so well with a dress made of beef jerky?