Sea Monkeys: A Review

I don't know why, but I've always wanted sea monkeys. Well to tell you the truth, I've always wanted a sea horse but I knew that was never going to happen. So the next best thing was sea monkeys. I remember seeing advertisements for them in the backs of magazines when I was a kid and wondered what the hell they were. So what are sea monkeys? Brine. Fucking. Shrimp. If I'd had known that as a kid, I would have went to The Great Salt Lake back home and got some for free! Now that I'm miles away from that as a possibility, I guess an overly-priced (€18.99) and overly-rated box of sea monkeys will have to do.

This is what was in my kit:

As you can see, my kit included a little tank with built in magnifying glasses and a ship, a submarine light to see them easier, an oxygenator that supplies their main source of oxygen (which sort of resembles a douche) , a mixing spoon and 3 sachets of sea monkey mix which :::cover your ears Mom::: looked very similar to packages of condoms. It pretty much came with everything but the water. I guess it's kinda worth the €19 now that I think about it. And I'm really excited that my sea monkeys are going to be pirates instead of doctors or astronauts, plus their ship glows in the dark!

(I actually questioned my sanity after seeing this on the box)

There's not much to making sea monkeys. First you put hot water in the tank and add sachet 1 to purify the water. Next, you put in sachet 2, the eggs. *Shudders thinking about it* For a moment I was a bit scared to put in sachet 2, because if you think about it, there's somehow 'live' eggs in there! I also felt like I was playing God. If you've been reading up on my blog, you would know that God and I have been having some issues lately and I didn't feel like pissing him off again so soon. Anyway, I tested my faith and did it. Last is sachet 3, their food. It smelled fresh, like green tea. I think I was expecting to smell something rancid like poop or vomit. I put a tiny bit in and from here on out, I only have to feed them once a week. Thank fuck for that!

So here they are! Can you see them? Yeah, neither can I. The first question that arose after it was all said and done was, "Now what?" As you can see, there's a bunch of particles floating around which kind of looks like someone dipped their dirty ass into it to spite me, swished it around, then left it for you and I to look at, saying "Hey, is that a sea monkey there? I think I see one! No wait, that's just an ass particle..." I wasn't expecting anything spectacular, but at least something I could see!

This is what a sea monkey looks like when it's full grown:

Here are some sea monkey accessories in case you're interested:

A sea monkey locket.......................OF DEATH! Seriously who would buy this for their kids?!? And what little kid would want to wear a necklace full of dead sea monkeys?!?

What the hell is this piece of work you ask? An 'In case you forgot what time it was because you were an asinine idiot and decided to wear a watch with live sea monkeys in it instead of one that actually tells the time' watch? It would be really funny to go up to someone wearing this and ask them what time it was so they could respond, "I don't know, Sea Monkey time?"

Lastly, a sea monkey keychain. WTF? Seriously, how are they supposed to breathe or eat? I actually had the choice to get this or the submarine light, obviously I chose the light. No way in hell would I be toting this around on my keychain! Mostly out of fear that I would accidentally smack it on the door when unlocking it and all the dead sea monkey carcasses would spill all over me!

Overall experience: Unimpressed.

For all those parents who regret having kids, or at least joke about it (even though we know you're serious) you really should have tried sea monkeys out first...It's not what it's cracked up to be! For those of you who will actually get some of these, beware, for something you can barely see, it's really annoying having to help them breathe every single day and feed them once a week.

However crappy this experience may have been, I'll keep you guys updated on them! This will be somewhat fun to see how big they get before I flush them down the toilet or eat them for lunch!

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

#1

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

#2

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

#3

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

#4

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

#5

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

#6

Two words: Holy hilarious!

#7

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

#8

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

#9

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

Saving Old People From The Cold Is One Of My Hobbies

Ok, so I ran out of salt last night, which then reminded me it was about time to get groceries again. (I probably shouldn't even really be consuming or even thinking about salt because it makes me really puffy and I look like I'm hiding a few bags of cotton candy in my clothes.) So anyway, every time we go shopping, I have to drag Paul to the store and 9 times out of 10 I get lectured by him about "Stuff that I don't need and that I'm never going to use again". Last time it was about a container of freeze dried strawberries. This fell into the category of 'Stuff that I don't need'. Now, as much as I know Paul is right, deep, deep down, I still have to prove him wrong and buy the useless item that is up for debate. Last time it went something like this:

Paul: What are you going to do with those?

Me: I can put it in my oatmeal and muffins! (Pick it up, put it in the cart)

Paul: Yeah but that's what the organic raisins were for.

Me: Pleeease!? It's healthy!

Paul: You don't need it... (Oh God, not that response again!)

Me: I'm getting it!

Paul: Fine, then you're not getting dessert or any new clothes for a month.

Me: Deal! (Shit!)

(I'm still trying to figure out what I should use the freeze dried strawberries in...)

However, last night was a little different. I think Paul is finally starting to warm up to me buying useless crap for the hell of it! Either that or he realizes that there's just no use arguing with me. How do I know you ask? Because he put up very little fight to prevent me from buying these:

All Paul could do was stand there looking speechless. Seriously, could you refuse them? I like how they say 'Innocent' on the label, it made me feel even better for buying them.

Reasons I had to have one:

• They were on sale, €1.50 to be exact (INCLUDING the hat)
• There's 2 servings of fruit in one little bottle!
  
• They made me laugh inside
• 25c of the purchase goes to Age Action Ireland - 'Helping keep old people warm this winter' (I'm all for keeping old people warm, especially in Winter.)
• And last but not least, the hat I chose reminded me of the homeless pigeon lady in the movie Home Alone 2. Even though she was a scary mute in the beginning, she was so nice to Macaulay Culkin at the end :)

I'm already making use of them. It's really cold outside so I thought they would be nice cozy hats for my eggs. Their names are Wally and Pigeon Lady.

They made excellent scrambled eggs this morning that would put Rachel Ray's to shame...That bitch! I think it's because of their new hats.

Any suggestions on what else I can use these for? I'm all for 'going green' and I'd hate for them to go to waste!