Traumatizing Children's Movies From The 80's

Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys! I missed ya!

Enough mushy mush!

Onto the post!

I came across two old bickering ladies on the bus who were saying a lot of movies geared towards kids are not that appropriate these days. Have they seen what we had to watch as children in the 80's???? Normally when you think back to old movies you saw as a child, the good memories come flooding back to you, right? Well quite the contrary for the following movies, they make me want to crap my pants when thinking about them!

The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

Have you seen this movie? To sum it up, it's God damn scary! It centers around a toaster (Toaste

r)

, radio (The Radio), lamp (Lampy), electric blanket (Blankie), and a vacuum (Kirby), who are all left behind at an old house when their owner moves away as a child. They then set off on an adventure to find him.

Here's a clip of the bi-polar air conditioner having a nervous breakdown before they set off:

*Speechless & traumatized after that disturbing scene for sure* After watching this, I avoided air conditioners until I was 11 years old!

This scene will stay with me until I die! Basically the little toaster has a dream where his owner is making toast as a child. Then out of no where, it turns into a nightmare where he starts smoking, burns the toast, the smoke turns into a big evil hand, carries his owner to...Hell perhaps? Oh it's not over yet! Then an evil psycho clown comes into the scene and out of nowhe

re,

Toaster is chased by giant forks,

running fo

r dea

r life

. WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now, yet again!

The Brave Little Toaster himself right before he commits suicide in order to save his Ginger owner's life. Look at his face, frightening!

Is there a moral to this movie? Hmmm I can't think of one off the top of my head. Other than appliances are fucking scary and if you try to leave them behind when you move, they WILLcome and find you!

WTF?!? Yup, I'm scarred for life now!

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

A nice middle class family lets freaky ass Big Foot move into their house...

Look at him!!!!!

'Nuff said.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

This dude gave me nightmares! Not to mention the scene where the innocent cartoon shoes get boiled to death!

Willow (1988)

Before I go on can I just point out how uncannily looking this guy on the DVD cover looks like Tony Blair?!!! This was probably how he first became famous!

Ok, so Willow the midget sets off to save the world by finding the prophesied baby Elora to help end the evil queen's rein. Along the way he bumps into a few freaky looking characters, oh and Val Kilmer.

Midget + prophesied baby + Val Kilmer + evil queen + magic = Recipe for creepiness!

The Never Ending Story (1984)

This was originally a book that was written by some German dude in 1979. It was later made into 3 movies, starring a young boy named Bastion. Ok, with a lead character by the name of 'Bastion', you know it's gonna be a crazy movie!

Basically, Bastion is a troubled kid who is bullied, so he hides in a bookstore, finds a book called 'The Neverending Story', he takes the book with him to school, cuts class and hides in the attic in his school and starts reading the book. He then ends up IN the story and into the world of Fantasia.

Great movie, can't argue that. However the eerie looking characters are what did it for me.

PS They're making a new one which comes out in 2012! Get ready to shit your pants all over again!

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jim Henson, what the hell were you thinking? This is SO not Sesame Street!

It's a movie with a bunch of scary looking puppets and to sum it up, it's about crystals that are guarded on another planet by vultures called the Skesis. Look, it's too deep of a plot and I'm getting ADHD, so if you haven't seen it, you can read more about it here.

Labrinth (1986)

David Bowie + his bulging crotch + terrifying puppets = Traumatized child viewer

The Last Unicorn (1982)

This is the story of the last unicorn on Earth in an enchanted forest, who goes on a journey to find out what happened to the rest of her kind. On her way, she gets captured by a witch and is caged up in an evil carnival, she comes face to face with an angry red bull and the list goes on. Ok, this movie gets pretty complicated, but it's safe to say it's very strange and upsetting for a child!

The Goonies (1985)

Kids running from scary criminals who have guns, stumbling upon old pirate skeletons, meeting a huge, deformed freak in the basement...

Yeah...

Again, 'nuff said.

ET (1982)

This movie is a classic, however it traumatised me in the sense that ET at first scared the shit out of me. You know the scene when Elliott found him out back and he couldn't scream for help? I think I pissed my pants and stopped breathing for that entire scene! To this day, I'm pretty sure I have brain damage from lack of oxygen...It explains a lot. Oh well, it gives me character!

Anywho, once you got to know him, ET was such a cute little alien, freaky looking, but cute. When he got sick and almost died at the end, I was sooooo sad and worried the first time I saw this movie. I really thought he wouldn't make it!

This movie also makes me want Reese's Pieces every time I see it.

Yum!

That's all I can think of for now, can anyone add onto this?

Oh! And Peachy gave me the Super Blog Bowl MVP award! Yay thanks Peachy! You're awesome! Check her blog The Pits of Being Peachy out, you won't be disappointed :

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?



Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!

***Silence***

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?

• Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
• I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
• Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!