Saving Old People From The Cold Is One Of My Hobbies

Ok, so I ran out of salt last night, which then reminded me it was about time to get groceries again. (I probably shouldn't even really be consuming or even thinking about salt because it makes me really puffy and I look like I'm hiding a few bags of cotton candy in my clothes.) So anyway, every time we go shopping, I have to drag Paul to the store and 9 times out of 10 I get lectured by him about "Stuff that I don't need and that I'm never going to use again". Last time it was about a container of freeze dried strawberries. This fell into the category of 'Stuff that I don't need'. Now, as much as I know Paul is right, deep, deep down, I still have to prove him wrong and buy the useless item that is up for debate. Last time it went something like this:

Paul: What are you going to do with those?

Me: I can put it in my oatmeal and muffins! (Pick it up, put it in the cart)

Paul: Yeah but that's what the organic raisins were for.

Me: Pleeease!? It's healthy!

Paul: You don't need it... (Oh God, not that response again!)

Me: I'm getting it!

Paul: Fine, then you're not getting dessert or any new clothes for a month.

Me: Deal! (Shit!)

(I'm still trying to figure out what I should use the freeze dried strawberries in...)

However, last night was a little different. I think Paul is finally starting to warm up to me buying useless crap for the hell of it! Either that or he realizes that there's just no use arguing with me. How do I know you ask? Because he put up very little fight to prevent me from buying these:

All Paul could do was stand there looking speechless. Seriously, could you refuse them? I like how they say 'Innocent' on the label, it made me feel even better for buying them.

Reasons I had to have one:

• They were on sale, €1.50 to be exact (INCLUDING the hat)
• There's 2 servings of fruit in one little bottle!
  
• They made me laugh inside
• 25c of the purchase goes to Age Action Ireland - 'Helping keep old people warm this winter' (I'm all for keeping old people warm, especially in Winter.)
• And last but not least, the hat I chose reminded me of the homeless pigeon lady in the movie Home Alone 2. Even though she was a scary mute in the beginning, she was so nice to Macaulay Culkin at the end :)

I'm already making use of them. It's really cold outside so I thought they would be nice cozy hats for my eggs. Their names are Wally and Pigeon Lady.

They made excellent scrambled eggs this morning that would put Rachel Ray's to shame...That bitch! I think it's because of their new hats.

Any suggestions on what else I can use these for? I'm all for 'going green' and I'd hate for them to go to waste!

Even God Hates My Blog

For those of you who don't already know, I've made a fan page for my blog on Facebook. So far only 3 people are fans aside from myself, my mom and Paul. I'm quite disappointed. Little do people know, I'm leaving everything in my will to my fans. Mom, I leave you my stuffed unicorn. Polly, I leave you my recipe books. Koddie, you can have my permanent marker. Sabina, take care of my annoying plant. And last but not least, Paul, I'd like to leave you my blog. Can I also make a request to be frozen like Walt Disney please?



Not only that, finding people who write the same kind of crap that I do isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Paul asked me how my quest was going and our conversation went a little something like this:

Paul: So, how's your blog thing coming along?

Me: You mean my quest? Shitely.

Paul: Another new word you made up?

Me: Tis.

Paul: Well success doesn't happen over night, you have to work for it.

Me: I've been crazy my entire life, surely it should pay off by now!

***Silence***

Me: Hey, I have an idea! Lets go get trained on flying falcons! It can be one of our date nights!

Paul: The actual bird?

Me: What the hell else would you think of when I say 'falcon'?

Enough said. (More to come on flying those crazy falcons in the near future)

I was feeling pretty low so I decided to bake some brownies. Paul has never had a brownie before, WTF? I repeat, WTF?!?! He'll probably tell you he has, but that's a lie. He thinks anything that's chocolatey with a cakey texture is a brownie. News flash, that's a fucking chocolate cake Paul! As much as I love him, sometimes I think he uses being from Ireland as an excuse to piss me off about things such as this. Anyway, the brownies turned out to be delicious but not too pleasing on the eye. Basically, the batch came out looking like a big pile of giraffe shit in a baking pan. I did my best to cut them into squares but lets put it this way, if I were to give them as a gift, I would just tell the giftee that Helen Keller cut them for me. (Note to self: Helen Keller is an excellent scapegoat for fucking up on anything that involves the use of one or more of the senses.)

Not only was I feeling low, the brownies made me feel fatter than fat. Hmmm, maybe going to the gym would make me feel better? On my way into town on the train, a couple of girls wearing tracksuits asked for my help. One was slurring as if she had a little too much to drink (getting drunk actually sounded a bit appealing after immediately sucking at my blog quest) and the other had a few teeth missing. Mmmm, that's Dublin for ya! I kid you not, I once saw a homeless guy pull down his pants and take a poo behind Cleary's on O'Connell Street, the busiest street in the city center. Plain as day! It looked like chicken curry. To this day, I still wonder what he wiped with...But hey, who am I to complain? The Guinness here is like heaven in your mouth!

Back to the train! All I could think was, 'Oh bajeezus, is this really happening to me??? Crap, I'm going to get mugged!' I've never been mugged before but this is not how I envisioned it going down. I always hoped I would at least have a nice dress on and my hair done, like this scene from Clueless:

The good Samaritan inside me was yearning to get out, but what was I getting myself into? She pointed to a word in the Metro Herald and asked, "What does that say?" Were they taking the piss or was one trying to distract me while the other stole my purse?!? I replied, "That says Nathan" She seemed very skeptical of my answer and replied, "Whaaaa?! Whaaa's a 'Nay-tan'?!" WTF?!?

I quickly began to panic. All 12 years of elementary school, Jr High and High School were flashing through my brain. Holy shit, could Nathan have more than one meaning and she's testing me?!?! Why didn't I go to college??? Should I have stayed in private schools???

I decided to play it safe, "It's a name" I replied. She flinched in disbelief. "Whaaa?" Was she astonished that I knew what a 'Nathan' was, or did I choke on my words? Perhaps I am just an all knowing oracle (if she even knew what that meant). Luckily, they soon forgot about me but continued bickering and sounding out words between the two of them. I guess half of a brain is better than one. All the while, I battled with myself whether or not I should fake my stop and wait for the next train, or just pray they didn't ask me to sound out any other words. But I have to admit, giving them an edumacation was a lot better than getting knived by one of them! So much for telling them about my blog, they can't even read a damn newspaper...

All in all, what have I learned today?

• Giraffe shit tastes like brownies.
• I'm a fucking failure, God wouldn't even read my blog!
• Helping people to read scares the shit out of me!