Rihanna Punched My Eyeballs Today!

I love Rihanna, RiRi or even Ms Barbados, whatever you want to call her, she is awesome! Even though she steals her fashion from London and takes it back to the states, I forgive her, because, well, she's fun to work out to! However, I cannot and will not forgive her for playing tricks on my eyeballs today!

A while ago, I 'Liked' Rihanna on Facebook, who hasn't? If you haven't, you're dumb! Anyway, I 'Liked' her, along with 'Cheap Asian Crap', 'Frosties', 'Sleeping naked' and 'Telling Dick Chaney to shut the fuck up' amongst many other 'Likes'. Anyway, today she posted pictures of her at Loud Summer Tour 2011 where she was taking pictures with her fans and this one stuck out like a sore thumb and punched me in the eyes!

As you can see, she looks amazing, don't get me wrong! But God damn, she needs to put down the bottle of bright red hair dye and curling iron and step away! Even the fan next to her is squinting her eyes from blindness! AKA 'Ginger-eye-tis'. I'm sorry, but she looks like a cross between Ronald Mcdonald and Raggedy Ann, or is it just me?!? Here's a pic in case you've never seen Raggedy Ann before. I just found out that my husband has no clue who she is. I now pity him with every ounce of pity I had left in my bones. If only Ireland had've known this little Ginger of a character and her boyfriend Andy, there might not have been a famine! And don't even ask me for a picture of Ronald McDonald! If you have no idea who he is, you're probably from a third world country or just skinny! Anyway, here she is:

Yay? Nay?

So, this got me thinking about look-a-likes. Is it just me, or does Walt Disney resemble Hitler?!? I knew it couldn't just be me so I Googled it. Here's what I found:

Yup, there's definitely a resemblance and other weird people like me with too much time on their hands think it too!

Well now, this got my wheels really turning! If Walt Disney could look like Hitler, and Rihanna could look like Raggedy Ann, there must be even more look a likes out there for sure! Just to confirm this spontaneous theory, I went to the address on the picture, totallylookslike.com and found this fluffy mess:

This picture made me laugh very much. Anyone know who this Wilford Brimley character is? I'm too lazy to Google him. I'm all Googled out for the day! All I can say is, how on earth could Noah forget all the unicorns and dinosaurs, yet he remembered to bring these two crazy animals!?!

By the way I'm laughing even more as I write this because I just left a Hiroshima of a stink bomb in the bathroom and Paul is freaking out because his nostrils hate his brain very much right now. That'll show him for not knowing who Raggedy Ann is...

Osama Bin Laden...WTF?!?

I'm sure you all have heard the news by now about that one guy who died today...WTF?!?

I don't even need the news anymore, I just log into Facebook and everyone supplies me with what's what.

Sad, I know...

Anywho, I made a comic to help come to terms with the death of Mr Bin Laden.

Enjoy!

Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?

Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!

Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!

No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:

And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!

Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???

Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!

Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,

Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland

Being A Dickhead's Cool

I thought I'd share this video with you.

I can't stop listening to it, it's sooooo going on my iPod!

Hilarious!

Enjoy!

I once had a roommate exactly like this! He dressed in tight, low v-neck shirts and skinny jeans. He didn't work because his parents paid his rent, bought him an iPhone and funded his social life. He never cleaned anything because he said he only slept in the house, so he didn't contribute to any mess. Hmmm, I guess the fact that he didn't know how to clean dishes properly and left crumbs all over the kitchen counters didn't count as contributing to a mess! Oh and he would only eat soy products because 'dairy doesn't sit well with him'. God, when he spilled red wine all over the stairs and left it there overnight leaving a huge stain, that was the last straw! I gave out to him finally after a month of that crap and he said he was moving out the next day haha!

Fucking dickheads!!!!

Double Yolk Eggs Are Cool

I decided to post about our recent egg experience because it was so amazing, I couldn't not share! Basically we found that 2 of our eggs had TWO yolks each:

My husband, Paul said he didn't want egg and toast sandwiches for breakfast, but I defied him and made him two anyway. This is what came of it:

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I thought the yolk explosion was pretty funny. For some reason, Paul didn't see the humor in it.

I went and did some research. Apparently this is when a hen ovulates too rapidly, which is caused by 1 of 3 things:

Heredity - What we blame all of our flaws on.
Hybrid hens - The main source of the eggs and meat you buy in supermarkets.
"Unsynchornized production cycles" - Huh?

(Thanks yet again Wiki, you never let me down!)

Not content with this and just to take the piss, I emailed the egg company to see what they'd have to say about our recent experience. Here's the email:

No response.

Which was fine.

But the next morning, THIS:

I seriously felt like I had won the egg lottery! Was this really happening to me???

So yet again I emailed the company to tell them the news. Who cares if I'm immature and I was wasting their time? This was freaking unheard of in my neck of the woods! Plus I was bored and wanted a good laugh.

Still no response.

Either the customer service really sucks in this country, or they're scared I'm going to sue them for more mutant eggs.

I'm really contemplating sending in the Chicken Police:

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

#1

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

#2

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

#3

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

#4

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

#5

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

#6

Two words: Holy hilarious!

#7

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

#8

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

#9

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

I Write With My Hand On The Left Side! - AKA Left Handed

This morning when my alarm went off, I asked my husband Paul, to hand me my phone since he was closer. At first, he didn't respond so I had to ask him again...a little louder. I hope that taught him not to sleep when I need things like my phone! He then proceeded to hand me the computer charger. I'm not sure how you can mistake this for a cellphone, but that's Paul in a sleepy stupor for you! He once woke up so fast but was still technically asleep, he grabbed the tag on the pillow like it was a $100 bill falling off a bridge! Man I'd pay to see that one more time so I could point and laugh at him all over again!

Anyway, on my walk to the train this morning, I 'accidentally' collided with a stranger's fart. It really upsets me that I have to blame myself in this situation, like I have to brush it off as an 'accident' when it really wasn't my fault in the first place. What a coward! To sum it up, it was not a good time. It really put meaning into being in the wrong place at the wrong time! After my confusion and disbelief dissipated yet the smell lingered, my nostrils became extremely irate and wished they could punch my brain for a few minutes. Seriously, it's bad enough that I have to endure Paul's smelly air accidents, so it pisses me off that I would have to put up with a stranger's as well. Somewhere, that guy who farted is probably laughing. He'll be laughing all day while I sit here and write about how angry he makes me. He won the battle, but he won't win the war. I'm going to try and be the better person here and file this one under 'Circumstances Beyond One's Control' because killing them with kindness really does work!

Today I let my mom read my blog. And my husband. My mom thinks I'm intelligent and witty. Paul still thinks I'm crazy. One day I'll prove him wrong. I'm a lefty so I'm taking their conclusions into consideration. They make some sort of sense to me. That reminds me! The fact that I write with my left hand, means that I will die before a right handed person would, statistically speaking of course. I'd personally like to see this in writing but I'm not sure who to request it from. Any ideas? The only sure thing I can tell you about left handed people (trust me, its coming from a reliable source) is that we don't need right handed people's pity. We also don't need you putting mittens on our left hands and telling us we're evil. To be honest all you right handers out there, we also don't need your statistics you created out of fear. Fear of something you don't understand. I've got news for you, the only thing you should fear, is fear itself. Also, what's the deal with left handed button holes? I really take this invention as an insult. A retarded seahorse could button a normal 'right handed' shirt. Don't even try to argue that seahorses don't have hands, I don't want to hear it! I found some:



Well, now seeing that you're in an argumentative mood, I know you're also going to point out that Hitler was left handed. So this makes us evil?!? What's your point? I've actually attempted Googling this and apparently this is what other people are wondering about Hitler:


In case you didn't know, Jew is short for Jewish. They're kind of the same thing. Also, if you see the last one there, that was from all the right handed people bumping this silly 'fact' up in the Google list...Typical...