Food Fight: 400lb Woman Beats Her Roommate Up For Eating Her Thin Mints! WTF?!?

Dear Fellow Fat Americans,

WTF?!?

You're not making yourselves look very good in the headlines lately! I'm quite disappointed in you...SERIOUSLY, you're un-doing everything The Biggest Loser and Oprah has done for you guys!

Do you remember those old Butterfinger commercials with Bart and Homer fighting over the candy bar and Homer always ended up strangling Bart? I know, it was funny right?!? And I'm sure you even went and bought a few Butterfingers after the commercial was over too! Ha! So did I!

Good times eh?

Well never did I imagine in a million years that you fat people would really be fighting over food!

No really, you fatties are literally fighting over food!

Don't want to admit it? Ok then, I'll prove it to you!

First, we have the recent Denny's incident in Massachusetts. Some food-related drama is about to go down! And it's all because of some delicious maple syrup...Take a look:

And I thought this kind of crap only happens in New Jersey! Boy was I wrong!

Apparently someone from Couple A asked for some maple syrup off Couple B's table because Couple A didn't have any on their own table.

Well, this pissed Couple B off very, very, very much! Why you ask? God, I don't know! The only logical reason I can think of is this:

Couple B does not enjoy having their maple syrup borrowed as this can alter the taste of their own pancakes, even if it is returned within 30 seconds flat...Once removed from their table, I'm assuming it must not sustain the same syrupy goodness it would have if it were to only remain on their table and their table alone. After all, this is Denny's all-you-can-eat pancake night for only 5 bucks and they need their maple syrup to not have it's molecular structure altered in any way!

So then after both Couple A and Couple B exchanged some wonderfully well thought out and poetic words, the thieving Couple A ended the night by taking a patriotic beating from Couple B to pay for their gluttonous maple syrup sins!

The best part is when the girl says "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!" Haha!

Ok, so maybe these maple syrup hooligans aren't totally fat, but they dress like crap and they're acting like a 'larger than your average person' would after they missed happy hour at an all you can eat buffet...

What have I learned from this?

Well, not only do you not talk shit on the Boston Red Sox to someone from Masachusetts, you also DO NOT ask to borrow maple syrup from their table at Denny's!

This would SO not happen at IHOP!

Next we have Miss Hersha Howard...

(Yup, she's got 'Attitude!' written all over her face!)

This pleasantly plump, 400lb Florida woman attacked her roommate known only as 'The Victim', over a dispute of her eating all of Hersha's Thin Mints she bought from a girl scout.

Hmmm did I miss something here?!?

Over THIN mints?!?!

400lbs?!?

How ironic!!!!!

Oh no, it gets better!

Turns out she didn't eat them! She gave them to Hersha's children as a pre-bedtime snack at 1AM! 1 FUCKING AM! Gee, how thoughtful! The Victim offered to pay her for the box of cookies to calm her down but that just wasn't good enough. HA! HA! Nice try 'Victim', but you can't pull one over on Hersha! So, Hersha looses it (keep in mind people get a bit cranky when they don't eat), hits The Victim with a board, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her!

The Victim's husband had to pull Hersha off his wife, leaving The Victim to escape. Oddly enough, Hersha chased after her (how the hell did she manage that?!?!) and beat her with a sign! I'm guessing this was a McDonald's sign???

Anywho, it's great entertainment and all, and Lord knows maple syrup and Thin Mints taste fan-fucking-tastic, but you fat people need to slow your roll and chill out! Not just that, can this shit please stop occurring in America?!?!? Please?!?!?!

Try to take your food aggressions out by attending Weight Watchers support meetings and watching The Iron Chef on Food Network, ok?!? It helps!

Sincerely,

Fat, Angry, American Girl Living In Ireland

Wolf & Coyote Piss For Sale!

God, I feel awesome! Wanna know why?

I came across wolf urine while looking at stuff on Amazon!

What a find!

I'd really like to get some of this stuff!

Yours for only 31.95!

Wolf Piss

I then came across coyote urine which Amazon also sells for only 29.95!

Coyote Piss

After laughing for a few minutes and patting myself on my back for discovering my glorious find, I was immediately confused as to why coyote urine is cheaper than wolf urine.

I mean really, who decides how much urine should cost in the first place?

So what do I do?

I eat a few yogurt rice cakes and a spoonful of peanut butter right out of the jar....Hmmm yeah more like half the jar....Then I get angry at myself for being a stupid gluttonous pig....Which makes me cry and yell at my reflection in the mirror...."Who eats half a jar of God damn peanut butter in one sitting?!? Certainly not Kate fucking Moss!" Then I realize I've gotta blog post to finish so I pull myself together....And I email the company directly....

So the other day, I emailed Deer Busters, and of course I was not expecting to get an email in return just like the last time I emailed the egg company about my double yolked eggs.

Anyway, here's my email to them:

Hi there,

I came across the wolf urine and coyote urine you have for sale on
your website and I noticed wolf urine was slightly more expensive than
coyote urine and this got the wheels in my head turning. Can you tell
me what exactly you base the price of them on?

I mean, is it harder to get urine from a wolf than it is from a
coyote? Perhaps wolf urine is worth more because they are also seen as
mystical and mysterious creatures? I'm sure you've seen those t-shirts
with wolves howling at the moon and there's usually a wizard somewhere
in the picture! Any who, I know that wolves are considered endangered
and threatened as a species, with that in mind, don't you think you
should up the price just a tad?

According to Wiki, wolves and coyotes do mate and their offspring is
known as a 'Coywolf'. God, I didn't see that coming! Think they could
have been a little more creative? I do! Perhaps you should sell
coywolf urine as well, just to make it easier for all the people who
can't decide which urine they should go with. When it comes to buying
urine, it shouldn't be only black or white, throw a little gray in
there and set yourself apart from all your competitors! Just a
thought!

Anyway, I know you get stupid emails like this all of the time, but
I'm just hoping you actually take me a teeny, tiny bit serious so I
can learn good and of course blog about it. I look forward to you
response!

Kind Regards

Amber

***THEY EMAILED ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

Amber,

I only know we base the price on our costs. I have no idea how they collect it just that it comes in barrels from a licensed nuisance wildlife professional. I would recommend using the urine product where those predators are present in your area.

Thanks,

Martin Havrilla
Marketing Manager
martin@tridentcorp.com
Phone: 1-301-694-6072
Toll Free: 1-888-422-3337


www.mastergardening.com
www.deerbusters.com

Yeah, ok, not that long of a response, BUT IT'S SOMETHING!!!! Haha, I'm making progress, how do you like that? I'm like the Abraham Lincoln of writing stupid emails to get a reaction!

On a side note, I also came across this picture of a fat guy in a car and it made me feel not so bad for eating all that peanutbutter :)

My Food Porn As A Child

Ok, I know the words 'Children' and 'Porn' should never go together in the same sentence, but hear me out! If you were a skinny child, you more than likely didn't silently count down to snack time in school, it was recess you evil skinny kids were looking forward to. I on the other hand was anticipating cookies and juice like a crack addict ready to score. What made it even worse was 'reading time'. Here are some books that seriously kept me a fatty:

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

This is a learning book where letters in the alphabet climb up a coconut tree until it collapses. Learning wasn't so important when my teacher read this book to us, coconut pie on the other hand, was.

Winnie The Pooh

I could always relate to Winnie The Pooh when I was a child because he and I had something in common: Gluttony and constant hunger. I seriously craved honey every time I read these books, no lie! I was always so sad for him when he couldn't just get his fucking honey! Just let him have his honey!

The Little Red Hen

The Little Red Hen is a book about a little red hen who finds a piece of grain and asks all her farm friends to help her plant it and grow it. However no one helps out so no one gets the bread once its made. The moral of the story: Contribute so you get a share, if not you get nothing. My take: Fuck morals! Butter tastes really good on freshly baked bread. Give me some. Now!

The Berenstain Bears And To Much Junk Food

God I loved The Berenstain Bears series! One that really stuck with me and always made me look forward to lunch was And Too Much Junk Food. Basically, the kids binge on junk food and end up getting cavities. Moral of the story: Don't eat junk food in excess. My take: Who cares about cavities when you have dentists to make them disappear? JUNK FOOD IS AWESOME!

The Giving Tree

A story about a little boy who befriends an apple tree and over time, keeps taking from the tree until it is no more. Moral of the story: Stop being a greedy, overly consuming, selfish human being. My take: Apple strudel never sounded so good. Even better, apple strudel with vanilla ice cream!

The Three Little Pigs

This is about three pigs who set out to each build their own house. However the first two pigs build theirs quickly with weak materials to save time and money. The third takes his time and builds his with bricks. The first two pigs get eaten by the wolf. Moral of the story: Don't be a lazy, cheap bastard! The wise man built his house upon rocks, the foolish man built his upon sand. My take: Mmmmm ham would go really good with potatoes right now! Lucky wolf!

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

A book about a little mouse who asks a boy for a cookie. Then some milk. Then a mirror. Then some more milk. And so on. Moral of the story: People are never content with what they have and all they do is take, take, take. My take: Why waste a cookie on a mouse when it could go in my stomach?

Pancakes For Breakfast

This is a book about a woman who wakes up craving pancakes one winter morning. She goes to great lengths to find all the necessary ingredients to make them. Obviously, all I wanted was pancakes. Look at the cover, the butter on them is making my mouth water even now!

James And The Giant Peach

A story about a young orphan boy with evil aunts as guardians. He falls asleep and wakes up inside of the peach that was growing outside his house. Inside, he befriends insects and they make their way to New York City. Great story, but all I could think while reading this was 'Peach cobbler please!'

Stone Soup

This book is about a travelling stranger who stumbles upon a village. Everyone in the village lock their doors and close their windows upon his arrival. One villager even says to the stranger to keep moving on, there's no food here. However he pulls out a stone and boils it in a cauldron full of water, offering 'stone soup' to everyone in the village. Then one by one, they contributes a bit of food they've hoarded to make the soup taste even better and everyone eats like kings. Moral of the story: Everyone should work together and help out their neighbor in need. My take: Stone soup sounds delectable! I've thought about making this many a'times!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Holy hell did this caterpillar piss me off. He just kept eating and eating and eating and eating. All while I had to sit there listening about it with an hour and a half til snack time and 3 more hours to go til lunch. Damn you hungry caterpillar! Damn you to hell!

Alice In Wonderland

Ok now, we've all read or watched this classic. Remember those 'Eat me' cakes and 'Drink me' vials? Yeah, those really induced hunger in me. Even if I wasn't hungry. To this day I want to go to Wonderland only for the cakes! Trippy experience is a bonus of course.

Green Eggs And Ham

Dr Suess, you rock my world. There isn't a book of his I haven't read! The first time around reading this book, it grossed me out but after having it read to me the second time, I was oddly intrigued by what green eggs and ham would taste like. This book is perfect for a low carb dieter or an obese child.

Goldie Locks And The Three Bears

This is a classic story about a dumb blonde who snoops around some bears' house while they're out, eats their porridge, sits in their chairs and sleeps in their bed. Ending? The bitch gets eaten. Moral of the story: If you're going to be a dumb bitch and snoop in other peoples' houses, don't fall asleep in their bed. Oh, and respect others' privacy. My take: Porridge = Yummmmmmm!

Charlotte's Web

Charlotte's Web is about a little pig by the name of Wilbur who fears ending up on his owners' dinner plate when he's juicy enough so Charlotte the spider devises a plan to make sure that never happens. All I could think of was, 'Bacon with maple syrup sounds fucking delicious! Don't be scared little Wilbur, don't be scared!'

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

If you haven't read Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, you're either illiterate or from a third world country. It's a book about a kid living in poverty who inherits Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I think it's fair to assume that this book even made skinny kids salivate!

Did I miss any???? Anyone feel the same growing up???

15 Shirts I Must Buy Or My Life Will Not Be Complete

#1

This is what I think every time I talk to my friend Derrick. However, I don't think he just ate a bowl, I think he devoured the entire box.

#2

This is very true, you cannot argue with physics.

#3

Vegetarians, vegans, and World of Warcraft freaks, close your eyes, this shirt may offend you.

#4

Was I the only one that thinks Kanye West wasn't crossing the line?

#5

This shirt is the perfect thing to wear to a feminist group. If anyone gives you the stink eye, just respond, "Hey, you would look really cute in a dress with a little bit of make up!" or "Shouldn't you be chained to the sink doing some dishes?" That will show them...

#6

Two words: Holy hilarious!

#7

Not just for your average American citizen that's appeared on Maury's television program, not once, but 5 times to figure out who the baby's daddy is.

#8

I cannot tell you how many times I've been talking with someone who doesn't get the irony of a situation. I wish I had been wearing this shirt so I could point at the writing and walk away.

#9

I'm all for going organic. Next time you go to buy organic food or clothes, wear this.

#10

Perfect T shirt for your first interview. It will definitely get you the job.

#11

I love how Tinkerbell is about to dip her finger in some of that peanut poo. By far the funniest T Shirt I've come across!

#12

I'm white so I'm allowed to laugh at this. If you are not white and I see you wearing this, I will still laugh...Then ask you where you got the shirt because I want one.

#13

Yup, describes me to a T. It's as outside as you'll ever see me.

#14

Yeah, just like that one time the cops got called because my friends and I were climbing on my roof pretending to be ninjas but they thought we were trying to rob the place...True story.

#15

Why yes, yes they do. I have been laughed at by many-a-trees in my life time...

Bloo Bloo Poo Poo??? WTF???

Ok, in case you didn't already know, my friend Derrick is a board certified arsehole. (Yes, the same Derrick that likes D&D and wears Burger King crown hats for fun) He's a follower on my blog, but doesn't read it and yet he has no life. How is this even possible? Yesterday I nicely asked him if he's been keeping up with it. He replied by asking me what the name of my blog was again because he relies on clicking a link on my Facebook fan page to get to it but he's on a 'Facebook ban'. First off: WTF? Second off: Go fuck yourself. Third off: He thought it was called 'Bloo Bloo Poo Poo'. Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a pretty darn good name for a blog and I'm very regretful I didn't think of it first, but for fuck sake, get with it Derrick! I don't think I'm going to talk to him for a while until he can remember the name of my blog....BLAH COO COO BLAH Derrick! Take notes! And get this! He then has the audacity to ask me if I want a naked picture of him to show my readers his 'Sexiness'! I did indeed happily oblige to him making a fool of himself on the internet, however I still have not received that picture he offered. If you're going to talk the talk Derrick, walk the walk!

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest, what's the story with my bread?

It ruined my whole breakfast. I was really craving two slices of toast but I couldn't even fit this Godzilla of a slice of bread in my toaster if I wanted to! I'd have to go out and buy a fancy shmancy bagel toaster for it and I don't even eat bagels so it kind of defeats the purpose! And that's when the paranoia set in...Did God put this monster of a slice in my bread bag to humor me? Perhaps to get back at me for writing about him hating my blog??? But why would he do such a thing? God isn't vengeful, Scar from The Lion King is vengeful! I need some guidance here! This is the letter I wrote to him:

Dear God,

I have a few things I need to clear up with you. I probably shouldn't have said that you hated my blog in that one post about no one liking my blog, that was extremely low and disrespectful of me. Since you are the creator of everything, you pretty much created my blog too....Which means you do like it.

Also, may I ask a quick favor of you? Can you please not humor me by putting abnormal sized slices of bread in my bread bag? It really annoys me and only hinders me from calculating the correct nutritional value of the slice of bread I intend on consuming, not to mention preventing me from putting it in my toaster, which then infuriates me and leads me to blog about it. Thanks for listening and I trust in you always!

Love,

Me

I'm still waiting for his reply....

Next, I'd like to take some time to share some pics my good friend Sarah sent me the other day. These are pictures of us when we were 11 and 12 years old:

Thanksgiving 1997

Holy shit was I fat!? (That's a rhetorical question so no need to answer.) As you can see in Exhibit A, that is me with my hand is in a box of Cheez-Its. I have quite the sneaky look on my face don't I? That is the look of a guilty fat kid on Thanksgiving. Also, you'll notice Sarah looks like she thinks she's the shit. She's not.

December 1997

This is at my aunt's house where Sarah and I first met. I don't remember what we were doing but it looks awkward. Oh and yes, that is a poster of a unicorn in the background. My aunt is obsessed with them, it must run in the family.

That reminds me! I learned something new today!

A winged horse is called a Pegasus, a horned horse is called a Unicorn, and a Pegacorn is a winged and horned horse! See? This is the kind of shit that should be on the Discovery Channel! Not shit about chopping down trees and fishing in Alaska!

Serious question: If all 3 were to mate, would they cancel each other out and just make a regular horse?