Sea Monkeys: A Review

I don't know why, but I've always wanted sea monkeys. Well to tell you the truth, I've always wanted a sea horse but I knew that was never going to happen. So the next best thing was sea monkeys. I remember seeing advertisements for them in the backs of magazines when I was a kid and wondered what the hell they were. So what are sea monkeys? Brine. Fucking. Shrimp. If I'd had known that as a kid, I would have went to The Great Salt Lake back home and got some for free! Now that I'm miles away from that as a possibility, I guess an overly-priced (€18.99) and overly-rated box of sea monkeys will have to do.

This is what was in my kit:

As you can see, my kit included a little tank with built in magnifying glasses and a ship, a submarine light to see them easier, an oxygenator that supplies their main source of oxygen (which sort of resembles a douche) , a mixing spoon and 3 sachets of sea monkey mix which :::cover your ears Mom::: looked very similar to packages of condoms. It pretty much came with everything but the water. I guess it's kinda worth the €19 now that I think about it. And I'm really excited that my sea monkeys are going to be pirates instead of doctors or astronauts, plus their ship glows in the dark!

(I actually questioned my sanity after seeing this on the box)

There's not much to making sea monkeys. First you put hot water in the tank and add sachet 1 to purify the water. Next, you put in sachet 2, the eggs. *Shudders thinking about it* For a moment I was a bit scared to put in sachet 2, because if you think about it, there's somehow 'live' eggs in there! I also felt like I was playing God. If you've been reading up on my blog, you would know that God and I have been having some issues lately and I didn't feel like pissing him off again so soon. Anyway, I tested my faith and did it. Last is sachet 3, their food. It smelled fresh, like green tea. I think I was expecting to smell something rancid like poop or vomit. I put a tiny bit in and from here on out, I only have to feed them once a week. Thank fuck for that!

So here they are! Can you see them? Yeah, neither can I. The first question that arose after it was all said and done was, "Now what?" As you can see, there's a bunch of particles floating around which kind of looks like someone dipped their dirty ass into it to spite me, swished it around, then left it for you and I to look at, saying "Hey, is that a sea monkey there? I think I see one! No wait, that's just an ass particle..." I wasn't expecting anything spectacular, but at least something I could see!

This is what a sea monkey looks like when it's full grown:

Here are some sea monkey accessories in case you're interested:

A sea monkey locket.......................OF DEATH! Seriously who would buy this for their kids?!? And what little kid would want to wear a necklace full of dead sea monkeys?!?

What the hell is this piece of work you ask? An 'In case you forgot what time it was because you were an asinine idiot and decided to wear a watch with live sea monkeys in it instead of one that actually tells the time' watch? It would be really funny to go up to someone wearing this and ask them what time it was so they could respond, "I don't know, Sea Monkey time?"

Lastly, a sea monkey keychain. WTF? Seriously, how are they supposed to breathe or eat? I actually had the choice to get this or the submarine light, obviously I chose the light. No way in hell would I be toting this around on my keychain! Mostly out of fear that I would accidentally smack it on the door when unlocking it and all the dead sea monkey carcasses would spill all over me!

Overall experience: Unimpressed.

For all those parents who regret having kids, or at least joke about it (even though we know you're serious) you really should have tried sea monkeys out first...It's not what it's cracked up to be! For those of you who will actually get some of these, beware, for something you can barely see, it's really annoying having to help them breathe every single day and feed them once a week.

However crappy this experience may have been, I'll keep you guys updated on them! This will be somewhat fun to see how big they get before I flush them down the toilet or eat them for lunch!

What's Your Poo Telling You? - A Book Review

Holy shit (no pun intended), this is the book I have been waiting for my entire life! It was sent to me by a couple of friends (Emily and Derrick) from back home. They pretty much get shits and giggles (no pun intended again) out of giving me what the real world would consider 'weird' gifts. They're like the bestest friends anyone could ask for, right?!

On to the review! At first glance, you would think it's a book about buying toilets, but once you actually read the cover, you realize, 'Oh hey, it's a book about poop!' What's even better is, this book has a partner in crime; An activity book! I'm just finishing up a game of Poodoku right now and then I'll be on to coloring in some pictures of poo. I can't wait to pass the time on the train with this! Genius!

Hey, wait a minute, that dummy on the cover looks an awful lot like my friend Derrick! Coincidence? You decide:

Anyway, enough fooling around! Here are some Q's and A's to help you decide whether or not you'd like to read What's Your Poo Telling You? based on my review:

How is this book any different from other poop books on the market these days?

Although the competition is fierce, it has a lot of great poop illustrations and it was written by Anish Sheth, M.D., a gastroenterology assistant professor at Yale University School of Medicine! How cool is that?! It almost makes me want to go back to college!

Could this book be used as a stocking stuffer?

Definitely! And don't just wait until Christmas to give this book to someone, use every holiday as an excuse! It could even be used as a housewarming present, celebrating a new baby or just keep it for yourself and leave it on the coffee table. Think of all the wonderful conversations you could have with your guests!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how appropriate would it be to whip this book out at the dinner table? 10

What were your highlights of reading this book?

What really stood out for me was that it has synonyms for every poop type, such as: Chocolate Thunder, Butt Piss, Gravy Poo, Turd Tea and Poo of a Shame to name a few.

Are there cliff notes available for this book?

As far as I know there aren't. However, every time you do the deed, that should be enough cliff notes to hold you over until you have time to read the book.

What was your favorite poo featured in the book?

'The Honeymoon is Over Poo', AKA The "I Do" Doo. This is where you've lost all anxiety to poo in the presence of your significant other. I think this occurred within the first week of my relationship with Paul, however he still has issues with it.

Did you actually learn anything from reading this book, or was it just a big joke?

I most certainly did learn a thing or poo reading this book! Get it?! Get it?! For instance, did you know that Sweden has a town called Badfart? I can't wait to visit! Also, the longest documented human poo was 26 feet long?!? They must have had to finish reading 5 magazines to get that one out! Oh, and I also found out that rabbits do eat their own poo! I once had a rabbit named Peter that did that all of the time but I gave him away because I thought he had a chemical imbalance. (Miss you always Peter!)

All in all, go read this book! It should seriously be on the New York Best Sellers List or at least featured in Oprah's book club! It's basically Poo-tastic!